Jump to content


what do you think of this phrase...


  • Please log in to reply
34 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Dana_*

Guest_Dana_*
  • Guests

Posted 13 May 2010 - 04:43 PM

"i want to be the one raising my kids not a sitter"?

frankly, i hate it. just because my kids are in daycare does not mean someone else is raising them!! *I* am their mother. *I* am raising them. Ryan and I are their primary caregivers. not the sitter. their sitter is HELPING me. i'm not sluffing them off for someone else to do all the dirty work.

what do you think when you hear that statement?

and DCPs, do you think of yourselves as people who are raising the kids? or are you just helping to do that?

i LOVE our sitter. and she loves my kids. i feel good about them being with her at the times that i can't. but i don't think she is their primary caregiver!! that's ME and their DAD. not her.

#2 Mama2Gracie

Mama2Gracie

    So in love with my saving Grace

  • Sponsors
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,329 posts

Posted 13 May 2010 - 04:55 PM

there is a difference between working a few hours a week and still having time to devote to your children and working full time or more and only seeing your children for 1-2 hours a day. In my case it would be the latter and then I don't think I would be the primary care giver. With my job I am also expected to be on call 24 hours a day. I my case the babysitter would end up being the primary care giver as they would be the one spending the most time with her (7 hours a day) followed by my husband who would get about 3-4

#3 Guest_terbear_*

Guest_terbear_*
  • Guests

Posted 13 May 2010 - 05:03 PM

I don't hate when someone says it. I honestly don't care because I know that they are just trying to justify in their own minds. If they want to use that line because it makes them feel better for the choices they make then so be it. I am very confident in my decision and I know that I am not leaving my kid with a "sitter" all day. I know how well cared for my children are so what a stranger thinks is going on or not in my home has no bearing on my life. I KNOW my choice is right for my family so the statement doesn't bother me at all....

eta there sure is a heck of a lot of sahm that might be home with their kids all day but spend very little time with their kids....

Edited by terbear, 13 May 2010 - 05:04 PM.


#4 Guest_Jennw3_*

Guest_Jennw3_*
  • Guests

Posted 13 May 2010 - 05:34 PM

I think it sounds really self righteous.

#5 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 13 May 2010 - 05:42 PM

Makes me want to reach out at b*tchslap someone.


However, "Walk a day in my shoes before you open your mouth" is my more political correct response. Mostly it's been my SIL that has had the nerve to tell me I was a bad mother for working and not staying home with my son, so my added dislike for her adds to my response. Da*n twit -- I'm a single mom!! I'd really like to find that money tree that would allow me to stay home and not need to work.

#6 Mama2Gracie

Mama2Gracie

    So in love with my saving Grace

  • Sponsors
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,329 posts

Posted 13 May 2010 - 06:27 PM

QUOTE(Krys0218 @ May 13 2010, 06:42 PM) View Post
Makes me want to reach out at b*tchslap someone.


However, "Walk a day in my shoes before you open your mouth" is my more political correct response. Mostly it's been my SIL that has had the nerve to tell me I was a bad mother for working and not staying home with my son, so my added dislike for her adds to my response. Da*n twit -- I'm a single mom!! I'd really like to find that money tree that would allow me to stay home and not need to work.


I can't believe someone would say that to you, but I have heard the stories and I don't doubt that they are true. What it all comes down to is that every mother has to make the right choice for thier family regardless of any one elses judgements and put downs.

#7 Guest_Lina_*

Guest_Lina_*
  • Guests

Posted 13 May 2010 - 06:37 PM

my dh and I have made alot of sacrifices so that I could stay home with our kids. it was a decision we made before we got married.

yes i think my kids are better off with me then a sitter but that may not be the case with other families, and not every family is able to pull off living on one income

i find there is so much animosity and judgment between stay at home moms and working moms?

#8 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 13 May 2010 - 06:40 PM

QUOTE(Lina @ May 13 2010, 07:37 PM) View Post
i find there is so much animosity and judgment between stay at home moms and working moms?


I know, and it's completely unnecessary. Instead maybe stay at home and working moms should be helping each other out and being supportive. Oh wait, that's what we do. lol

Edited by Krys0218, 13 May 2010 - 06:42 PM.


#9 Guest_zerodog_*

Guest_zerodog_*
  • Guests

Posted 13 May 2010 - 06:40 PM

I find that too. There is no single answer that would suit every family.

#10 Guest_BoonievilleWriter_*

Guest_BoonievilleWriter_*
  • Guests

Posted 13 May 2010 - 06:54 PM

I used to be one of those "why would I want someone else raising my kid in daycare" people until I met the daycare workers at the daycare my two little ones go to. I needed to put them in daycare because I work from home during the day and the work I do requires concentration without interruptions. I can't be watching them effectively while trying to work or keeping them safe, sound and happy and well adjusted with having to work...

I realized when they started daycare that I needed that "walk a mile in another's shoes" to understand why parents utilize sitters and daycares for being able to work. It was a very uninformed judgment on my part and now I understand. I also needed the break during the day from my kids (I'm not apologizing for it either) and particularly my disabled daughter, as much as I love her I have to get that break during the day so that I don't snap at her or get frustrated with her. She needs the therapies that she can get through being at daycare. Turns out, it was very much the right thing to do because I just got back the verbal report from her psych pathologist and she's not just delayed but developmentally disabled to the point where she'll never live on her own without help from family (as in living with family) or being institutionalized. She needs life long medications for her circadian cycle disorder, impulse control disorder, the possible ADHD\ODD tendencies stemming as a co-morbidity of her developmental delays. Her pathologist has recc'ed a behavior specialist, putting her into a specialized school for disabled children in the area and is filing our Child Disability Tax Credit forms for us. All this in one day. We're still looking for the "not otherwise specified" part of her disabilities (the ADHD\ODD\PDD part of her disabilities) and now doing testing for Fragile X and Williams Syndrome.

If I had not put her in daycare for more selfish reasons (or at least I feel selfish about it at times and guilty) she would not have been diagnosed by the psych pathologist this quickly and she would be without her speech pathologist and still not saying a single word and only partially signing (ASL). It was the right thing to do not just for me or her but to get her the services she needed without having her stress out in a more nuero-typical school environment (JK in public school) and then falling through the cracks with nothing in place but a crappy generalized IEP like my oldest has suffered with.

I do, in the end, believe we all do it for the right reasons regardless of why we do what we do. It's the old adage "what works for one family does not always work for another family" aka "to each their own".

#11 Leanne

Leanne

    Hopelessly devoted

  • Forum Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 8,261 posts

Posted 13 May 2010 - 07:10 PM

As a daycare provider, I would NEVER say I am here to raise someone else's children. I would agree though that I am here to help you out and be a substitute caregiver while you are away at work.


#12 Kris

Kris

    Plotting a takeover

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,533 posts

Posted 13 May 2010 - 08:48 PM

I don't like the phrase either. Why is having a sitter any different from sending your child to school. Someone else is still watching them while you are working or at home or whatever. Does that mean when you are sending your kid to school that you are having someone else raise them? They are still gone 7-8 hrs out of the day

#13 Guest_newagemum_*

Guest_newagemum_*
  • Guests

Posted 13 May 2010 - 08:53 PM

We had a nanny growing up. She was UBER strict, like ridiculously so. I don't ever really remember her when I think of my childhood (maybe thats because I try to block it out lol) I think more about what my brothers, sister and I did.

#14 Guest_Ellivort_*

Guest_Ellivort_*
  • Guests

Posted 14 May 2010 - 12:58 AM

Having read this recently _I_ am offended by the implication that because i _HAVE_ to work to give my child the best life possible that I am somehow less as her mother. I take full advantage of every second I have with my daughter and even work a shift I hate (3-12) in order to make sure I am with my DD for the better part of my day.

It's great to have the option to be a SAHM, but I don't think it is fair for anyone to sit on a high horse about being the better parent because they SAHM. Being a SAHM doesn't make you mother of the year. It doesn't even make you a good mother. The simple fact that you are home 24H a day does not automatically make you an all-star in the parenting departing nor does working full time, or part-time or anytime and having to entrust your child to someone, make you a bad mom.

If your child is in daycare, with a relative, or with a sitter you (generally speaking) have carefully chosen your care provider to give the best possible care to your child in your absence. They don't replace you or override, they merely fill in for the time when you have to be working.

I don't resent a single SAHM. It's the most rewarding full-time job out there and many of my friends are fantastic SAHMs and take full advantage of that privilege to nurture their children. I also know some terrible parents who are SAHPs to the point where I could honestly say the child would be better off in daycare or with a more attentive provider.

I dont understand why anyone feels the need to judge any other parenting style/choices as along as the child(ren) are being loved, nurtured and cared for, isn't that what its about? It doesn't matter if Jane BF and Suzy didn't. It doesn't matter if Mary is a SAHM and Ann is a WOHM or that Tina Vaxxes and Sara doesn't [names apply to no one]. It would matter if Mary ignored her children and plopped them in front of TV 24-7. It would matter if Jane abused her kids Sara left them home alone. As long as parents are helping and not hindering their children's growth, development and happiness, then any other decisions they make are of no concern to anyone.

There should be no SAHM v WOHM debate.


#15 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 14 May 2010 - 06:08 AM

justcuz_goodpost.gif Well said.

#16 Jessica H

Jessica H

    Proud mom of 3 beautiful kids

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,702 posts

Posted 14 May 2010 - 09:29 AM

QUOTE(terbear @ May 13 2010, 06:03 PM) View Post
I don't hate when someone says it. I honestly don't care because I know that they are just trying to justify in their own minds. If they want to use that line because it makes them feel better for the choices they make then so be it. I am very confident in my decision and I know that I am not leaving my kid with a "sitter" all day. I know how well cared for my children are so what a stranger thinks is going on or not in my home has no bearing on my life. I KNOW my choice is right for my family so the statement doesn't bother me at all....

eta there sure is a heck of a lot of sahm that might be home with their kids all day but spend very little time with their kids....



Very well said Terri! I hate that expresion too.....for our family working is the way of life to provide for our family. I did stay home for 3 years with the kids and it did not work out for us finanancial or mentally for me! I truly believe some ppl are meant to work and not stay home and I am one of those people and I am not ashamed of that...I am a better parent working out of the home.

Every family is different, but no one should knock down someone elses way of living because they don't totally agree with it. IMO



#17 Guest_BoonievilleWriter_*

Guest_BoonievilleWriter_*
  • Guests

Posted 14 May 2010 - 10:02 AM

QUOTE(Ellivort @ May 14 2010, 01:58 AM) View Post
Having read this recently _I_ am offended by the implication that because i _HAVE_ to work to give my child the best life possible that I am somehow less as her mother. I take full advantage of every second I have with my daughter and even work a shift I hate (3-12) in order to make sure I am with my DD for the better part of my day.

It's great to have the option to be a SAHM, but I don't think it is fair for anyone to sit on a high horse about being the better parent because they SAHM. Being a SAHM doesn't make you mother of the year. It doesn't even make you a good mother. The simple fact that you are home 24H a day does not automatically make you an all-star in the parenting departing nor does working full time, or part-time or anytime and having to entrust your child to someone, make you a bad mom.

If your child is in daycare, with a relative, or with a sitter you (generally speaking) have carefully chosen your care provider to give the best possible care to your child in your absence. They don't replace you or override, they merely fill in for the time when you have to be working.

I don't resent a single SAHM. It's the most rewarding full-time job out there and many of my friends are fantastic SAHMs and take full advantage of that privilege to nurture their children. I also know some terrible parents who are SAHPs to the point where I could honestly say the child would be better off in daycare or with a more attentive provider.

I dont understand why anyone feels the need to judge any other parenting style/choices as along as the child(ren) are being loved, nurtured and cared for, isn't that what its about? It doesn't matter if Jane BF and Suzy didn't. It doesn't matter if Mary is a SAHM and Ann is a WOHM or that Tina Vaxxes and Sara doesn't [names apply to no one]. It would matter if Mary ignored her children and plopped them in front of TV 24-7. It would matter if Jane abused her kids Sara left them home alone. As long as parents are helping and not hindering their children's growth, development and happiness, then any other decisions they make are of no concern to anyone.

There should be no SAHM v WOHM debate.


I agree with you on all points - I know I was very uninformed and judgmental about this very debate in the beginning but now that I've walked in others shoes I think I was really blind with my lack of knowledge and judgments on the other parents who did use sitters and daycares to be able to work. I'll admit it was stupid of me to even be that judgmental about it. I've certainly had my eyes open on the topic matter in the last 6 months. I'm happy to say that I no longer judge other parents for sending their kids to daycare or a sitter. Like another poster said, it is just as much the same as full time school for a school aged child because they do learn at daycare too and they do learn with a sitter as well.

Amazing post, I think a lot of this "war" between the SAHM\WAHM\WOHM is a lot of emotions and we all have our own set of guilty feelings about what we do and we all need to justify to ourselves what we do and no one likes to be judged about what they choose to do with family, children, themselves. It's already hard on us to leave our children or to sacrifice income for our children - do we really need to fight with other about our choices? No and you drive that point home quite nicely!

#18 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 14 May 2010 - 10:29 AM

QUOTE(BoonievilleWriter @ May 14 2010, 11:02 AM) View Post
Amazing post, I think a lot of this "war" between the SAHM\WAHM\WOHM is a lot of emotions and we all have our own set of guilty feelings about what we do and we all need to justify to ourselves what we do and no one likes to be judged about what they choose to do with family, children, themselves. It's already hard on us to leave our children or to sacrifice income for our children - do we really need to fight with other about our choices? No and you drive that point home quite nicely!


I agree with this point. From a personal perspective, I know what I am doing is for the benefit of my family and will provide a great experience and upbringing for my son. I take statements to heart that criticize my choices or when people believe they are influencing my child more than me for two main reasons, (1) I have worked very hard to provide the best for my family and it's ignorant, misinformed and inconsiderate when people challenge me on my choices, and (2) at heart, I know that if things were different in my life than perhaps I would have the flexibility to make different choice for my family (although that's not saying I would change anything, just that I would have the ability to if I wanted to).

I don't think we need to judge others for their choices. Each of us does what is best for our families. I admire all the parents who have made these choices, knowing that they are never easy. Everyone deserves the same respect that I would expect with my personal decisions.

#19 sims

sims

    team murky waters

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 8,511 posts

Posted 14 May 2010 - 10:38 AM

Jobs may come and go
but your kids will always be your kids
not day cares
i getfully that we have choise to work in anyfild we want
50+ years ago women would never be able to work at all
some people hate beening at home
some people love it
some people it must they go work
in the end they kids are love and supported all around
(sorry if that made no secen it does in my head)

#20 tabbs

tabbs

    Plotting a takeover

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 14,304 posts

Posted 16 May 2010 - 08:55 AM

I like to leave things up to professionals, especially raising of my kids.




#21 Guest_pawsitivemom_*

Guest_pawsitivemom_*
  • Guests

Posted 16 May 2010 - 09:29 AM

I always thought that others were raising ODS. I hated every second of it. I missed so much time with him going to school and working! The first time he was on a swing was at a sitters, The first time he spelled a word was at daycare....SOO many things that I missed. I spent more time at work than I did awake at home. How could I have ever thought someone else was not raising my child? When he was in school I would drop him off at daycare at 7-7:30 am. He would be there until the bus for school, then bused back to daycare to be picked up at 5:30-6pm. Home, make dinner, do homework then tuck him into bed. Where is the raising my child in that? I started college when he was 2. He was at a sitters from 7am-4pm daily, sometimes longer. I only saw my son on weekends and evenings. He spent more time at the sitters than at home (awake).

For was "lucky" to be able to stay home with both my boys for as long as I did. I do not know how I would have handled putting them in the care of others for 8-10hrs a day from infancy. Missing first steps, first words...so many of the moments I cherish.

Kids do not stay young long. That has been the hardest lesson I have learned in life. I would give anything to go back and change ODS younger years. To be a better mom, to cherish every second I had with him.

I see every moment away from T as a wasted moment in my life. I know that 15yrs are going to fly by. He will not need his mom for long in his life. I intend to make that time last and make the most of it. I do this by working less and giving up some luxuries that I would love to have.

For those that think otherwise....come back to me when your kids are 18 and tell me you do not regret working as much as you did. I hope you can. I can honestly say I cannot.

NOBODY goes to their grave thinking "I should have worked more".

I know everybody makes the best choices they can in the moment. It is only time and experience that teach that sometimes those choices may not have been the best.

I also realize not everybody CAN stay home. I had to give up a LOT to stay home with T. It almost cost me the house R and I had worked very hard for so long to get! We had to make some hard decisions.

#22 Guest_pawsitivemom_*

Guest_pawsitivemom_*
  • Guests

Posted 16 May 2010 - 09:45 AM

I wanted to add....

I do not judge those who choose daycare for their children. I know they do the best they can. They do what they feel is right. I have BTDT myself. I chose the best care I could for my ODS. I was VERY lucky to find the most amazing caregiver for T.

For ME the term is less about the values and feel of family you instill as a parent. For ME it is all about the little minutes and little things that you miss out on.

There is not one single parent on this board who does not feel they are doing their best for their children. You would likely not be on this board if you were that type of parent. But there are a LOT of parents out there who are not like us.

I do use that term and I do mean it. I have been in both situations. I understand the motivations that are at work. I also have the perspective of having an adult child and a young child. Of having been able to be in both situations. I know what I regret and what I do not. I share my experiences and thoughts so that others can learn from my experiences....Is that Not what this sight is about??

I have had the luxury of having 12yrs between my children. I know exactly what I missed with ODS. It is that experience and hindsight that allows me to be able to give the opinions I have.

#23 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 16 May 2010 - 09:46 AM

QUOTE(pawsitivemom @ May 16 2010, 10:29 AM) View Post
I know everybody makes the best choices they can in the moment. It is only time and experience that teach that sometimes those choices may not have been the best.


Ouch!

Point 1:
Working, whether optional or not, may be the best decision for a family. Everyone's experiences are different and not everyone will come back and regret working. I know many that regret not working -- working gave them great personal fulfillment which translated to a positive attitude. A happy parent for quality hours is better than an unhappy one for longer hours.

Point 2:
My father worked very long hours which pulled him away months at a time. The thing is, my brother and I were not negatively affected by it. Our memories were of the quality time spent together. We didn't remember the long periods he was away, just the days he was home and were the center of this world. I had not realized how long he was actually until we had a conversation about me working and putting Bear into daycare. That 6pm to bedtime, time in the morning and weekends can be the best parenting time available if made quality time.

Point 3:
My son thrives in the social environment of daycare and taking that away from him would be hurting him emotionally and socially. It is the best decision for our family, no matter how much I'd love to be home with him all day and every day. It's what is best for him, not me.

#24 Guest_Dana_*

Guest_Dana_*
  • Guests

Posted 16 May 2010 - 09:58 AM

QUOTE(tabbs @ May 16 2010, 09:55 AM) View Post
I like to leave things up to professionals, especially raising of my kids.



LOL!!

#25 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 16 May 2010 - 10:06 AM

QUOTE(tabbs @ May 16 2010, 09:55 AM) View Post
I like to leave things up to professionals, especially raising of my kids.

1263896e99zncu2jq.gif rofl2.gif rofl.gif bow2.gif

#26 murkywaters

murkywaters

    Plotting a takeover

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 14,645 posts

Posted 16 May 2010 - 10:11 AM

QUOTE(Kris @ May 13 2010, 09:48 PM) View Post
I don't like the phrase either. Why is having a sitter any different from sending your child to school. Someone else is still watching them while you are working or at home or whatever. Does that mean when you are sending your kid to school that you are having someone else raise them? They are still gone 7-8 hrs out of the day

I don't think it's different at all. I'm glad I had the chance to be with the kids while I was able to. That wasn't the original plan but it's the way it turned out and I'm glad it did. Next year I'll be going back to work and does it feel to me that the schools and sitters will be raising my kids yep it sure does. Does it bother me, yep it does. Am I anxious to pass them off now... he!! ya!!!! I can't freaken wait to get the he!! out of this house and let someone else raise them for a while!! They can't do any worse then I did! however I have guilt over those feelings too... *shrug* guess it really doens't matter what you do you'll always feel guilty so I give up I'll live with the guilt but I'll also be living with less bills LOL I"ll take them on a family vacation to make up for all those daycare and all day every day school hours LOL

I think as long as YOU feel comfortable with what you choose to do then the rest can say whatever they want to. if YOU think you're making the right decision then it IS the right decision for YOUR family and whaever anyone says or thinks since they are NOT YOUR family they really don't understand squate do they?

#27 Guest_pawsitivemom_*

Guest_pawsitivemom_*
  • Guests

Posted 16 May 2010 - 10:12 AM

QUOTE(Krys0218 @ May 16 2010, 10:46 AM) View Post
QUOTE(pawsitivemom @ May 16 2010, 10:29 AM) View Post
I know everybody makes the best choices they can in the moment. It is only time and experience that teach that sometimes those choices may not have been the best.


Ouch!

Point 1:
Working, whether optional or not, may be the best decision for a family. Everyone's experiences are different and not everyone will come back and regret working. I know many that regret not working -- working gave them great personal fulfillment which translated to a positive attitude. A happy parent for quality hours is better than an unhappy one for longer hours.

Point 2:
My father worked very long hours which pulled him away months at a time. The thing is, my brother and I were not negatively affected by it. Our memories were of the quality time spent together. We didn't remember the long periods he was away, just the days he was home and were the center of this world. I had not realized how long he was actually until we had a conversation about me working and putting Bear into daycare. That 6pm to bedtime, time in the morning and weekends can be the best parenting time available if made quality time.

Point 3:
My son thrives in the social environment of daycare and taking that away from him would be hurting him emotionally and socially. It is the best decision for our family, no matter how much I'd love to be home with him all day and every day. It's what is best for him, not me.



Point 1
If this is the true reason a parent works then GREAT!

Point 2
So, your dad does not regret the time he was away from his family? What care did you get while he was at work? Mom, family, friends, daycare? For ME it is not about my childhood it is about how I feel I want to raise MY kids.

Point 3
That is wonderful for your son. You could still give him the social environment as a SAHM if you chose to. There are FREE playgroups and such that I took T to that we loved.

I did all the rationalization with my kids too. I STILL do it. I tell myself I'm doing it for T. But, in reality I am doing it to make me feel better! To give him the things I THINK he needs. Not what he really needs. He does not need cable, fancy clothes, camping trips, dinners at chuckie cheeses. He needs time with his parents. THAT is what he will remember. Not the things I try to bribe him with to make me feel better about needing to work.

MY point is.........Do what you feel is right now. That MAY (notice I did NOT say WILL) not be how you see it 15-20yrs from now when your kids are grown and you look back.

#28 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 16 May 2010 - 10:32 AM

QUOTE(pawsitivemom @ May 16 2010, 11:12 AM) View Post
Point 1
If this is the true reason a parent works then GREAT!

Point 2
So, your dad does not regret the time he was away from his family? What care did you get while he was at work? Mom, family, friends, daycare? For ME it is not about my childhood it is about how I feel I want to raise MY kids.

Point 3
That is wonderful for your son. You could still give him the social environment as a SAHM if you chose to. There are FREE playgroups and such that I took T to that we loved.

I did all the rationalization with my kids too. I STILL do it. I tell myself I'm doing it for T. But, in reality I am doing it to make me feel better! To give him the things I THINK he needs. Not what he really needs. He does not need cable, fancy clothes, camping trips, dinners at chuckie cheeses. He needs time with his parents. THAT is what he will remember. Not the things I try to bribe him with to make me feel better about needing to work.

MY point is.........Do what you feel is right now. That MAY (notice I did NOT say WILL) not be how you see it 15-20yrs from now when your kids are grown and you look back.


I had a great childhood, so I model my decisions based on that.

I was stay-at-home with my son for periods and from that experience I know he thrives better in a consistent, social environment. I'm not saying I CAN'T provide him with those experiences. I'm not saying I don't WANT to provide him with those experiences. I am more than equipped and willing to be a 100% caregiver for 100% of the time. Frankly, I'd love to be a SAHM and homeschool him. The truth of the matter, and it's not to rationalize my decisions at all, is that he loves going to an appropriate daycare. It is a better decision for him. The only way that I could keep him home with me and give him what he needs and desires for his social development is to operate a home daycare, which is exactly what I've done. Early development is highly dependent on social interaction; learning is primarily social at this stage.

Even if I didn't need to work, I know I would be harming him in his social development, and thus overall development, to not allow him to be in daycare. For those that know my son, he is very social and active. He loves it; he asks to go. I'm not justifying for my own piece of mind; I just know my son. I may feel that *I* am missing out, but I know that he isn't. He gets what he needs from me, when he needs it. He's not showered with toys and materialistic things; he's given quality time and experiences with me and me alone - my undivided attention for quality, not quantity, experiences. Things a mother needs to provide for him, in type, quality and quantity that he prefers.

What is developmentally appropriate for some, is not the same for others. All kids are different. I would never generalize and say that my choices would fit another. My mother quit working because my brother didn't adjust to childcare; I was different and thrived off of it. She didn't need to, but she put me into daycare. When I was not working, I still put Bear into childcare for 1 day a week, for his sanity, not mine. He asked to go more. He is a strong-willed little man and makes his preferences known. He is the type of child that runs into the daycare, gives me a hug and kiss, and asks me to leave so he can go play with his friends. I see nothing wrong with that.

Edited by Krys0218, 16 May 2010 - 10:33 AM.


#29 Guest_pawsitivemom_*

Guest_pawsitivemom_*
  • Guests

Posted 16 May 2010 - 11:31 AM

Krys....I am totally happy you are good with your decision! You feel it is 100% best for YOUR child and that is GREAT.

I am simply trying to voice the other side of the point.

You are right...what is best for one is not best for all. T HATED daycare. I found him an AMAZING care provider that did absolute wonders for him. I can never thank her enough for all she did for him. He thrived under her care. I am Happy he had that opportunity in his life. But, at the same time I an sad for the reason he HAD to have that. Does that make sense? If I had been willing to give up more he could still have had that opportunity without me having to work. I made a choice and that choice is something I have to live with.

It all comes down to making the best choices for YOUR family.

I think my point is lost though............

My point is this... For ME, I made the choices I needed to. I still believe my choices were the best I could make at the time. I do not regret the choices I made. I do regret the side effects those choices had.

My ODS going to daycare/sitters so I could go to school. Better than the alternative. which was SAH and raise on welfare. Did I make the BEST choice. DAMNED strait I did! Do I regret having to make that choice....SAME answer. sad.gif

WE all have choices to make in out lives. Some we will live to regret, some we will not. Only time can tell these things. Hindsight is 20/20. I feel blessed that I have the wisdom of that hindsight in raising T. Though he is a totally different child than ODS. I feel more ........... I have no idea how to explain it......I have a different perspective than I had though.

That is kind of what I am trying to get across. Perspective changes over time. What may seem right now may not be in the future. All any of us can do is make the best choices based on available data and pry for the future.



#30 Guest_Jennw3_*

Guest_Jennw3_*
  • Guests

Posted 16 May 2010 - 11:32 AM

I think that the huge contributing factor is that a lot of "assuming" happens on both sides of the working/staying home fence.
The OP's phrase comes across just as self righteous to me as someone who refers to a woman as "just a stay at home mom". There's no breaks, no driving in the car alone (one of my faves!), sometimes even bedtime doesn't bring any relief if a partner travels for work or works shift work or there is no partner and mom still has to take care of the up and down and bedtime dance.
I've been on both sides of the fence and there are alot of things that I think people say meaning well but it comes across a bit crass. Like "we make a lot of sacrifices so I can be home"-I've actually said this one, once upon a time. Now that I'm on the flip side, I WISH that the sacrifices for us would be enough to make ends meet but they don't.

Just pointing this out because I don't think this will be the first or last time this discussion will occur and hopefully, for some, stepping out of your own situation and looking at someone else's from a more objective place will help us to realize that women make decisions that will work for their families in all sorts of creative ways. Mothering is definitely not "all or nothing" and the debate shouldn't be either.

Edited by Jennw3, 16 May 2010 - 11:33 AM.


#31 Krys0218

Krys0218

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,980 posts

Posted 16 May 2010 - 11:38 AM

QUOTE(Jennw3 @ May 16 2010, 12:32 PM) View Post
Mothering is definitely not "all or nothing" and the debate shouldn't be either.


I like that. A phrase worthy of pinning for us all to remember.

#32 Guest_luckymama_*

Guest_luckymama_*
  • Guests

Posted 16 May 2010 - 04:56 PM

I used to think all mothers should stay home with their children. My thoughts have changed.

I know for ME and OUR family that this is best. I would have to be dragged by my ankles, kicking and screaming before I would leave them. Do I think other people would be raising my children? Yes. Strangely I don't feel that way about others though. When I babysat I in no way was raising those children. I was helping them but not raising them.

I have always wanted to get married and stay home with my children. I don't think everyone is made to stay home. Some parents need to get out and have a career. Everyone is different.

#33 Guest_pawsitivemom_*

Guest_pawsitivemom_*
  • Guests

Posted 17 May 2010 - 05:15 PM

QUOTE(luckymama @ May 16 2010, 05:56 PM) View Post
I used to think all mothers should stay home with their children. My thoughts have changed.

I know for ME and OUR family that this is best. I would have to be dragged by my ankles, kicking and screaming before I would leave them. Do I think other people would be raising my children? Yes. Strangely I don't feel that way about others though. When I babysat I in no way was raising those children. I was helping them but not raising them.

I have always wanted to get married and stay home with my children. I don't think everyone is made to stay home. Some parents need to get out and have a career. Everyone is different.


that is close to the same with me.

My situation was......#1 child unplanned, had no real "choice" and daycare WAS the best option and I did feel others were raising my son. #2 child took me 12yrs......I wanted to be financially secure enough to stay home so that I did not feel that way again! Had to go back to work due to finances when he was 2. Found the best care giver I could and worked as little as I needed to. I feel that that caregiver HELPED me raise him for the years he was with her.

I've never had any thoughts on what others "should" do. But I do think our society sucks since we have to have a double income in any family just to put a roof over our heads and food on the table!

#34 Guest_megsmom_*

Guest_megsmom_*
  • Guests

Posted 17 May 2010 - 08:27 PM

I have used that phrase because people have judged DH and I on our choice to work opposite shifts. They question how our marriage could possibly last and that in the long run opposite shifts will end the marriage and ruin our children's lives. Then, of course, there are the arses that jokingly say that opposite shifts are the only reason the marriage WILL last.
For me, that phrase is exactly why I choose to miss my DH 5 days a week. We wanted to raise our children. Our children go to an in- home daycare, but only for about an hour after school (longer for K on her off-school days). We figured we can suck up our own feelings of missing each other while our babies our young, because someday, they'll be grown and then we can have time together. I have no regrets other than I'd rather have stayed home and not worked at all. But we need my income and I feel great about the choice we made in our circumstances.
Society is soooooooooooooo good at making moms- whether they be SAHM or working-outside-the-home moms- feel guilty about whatever choice they do make. I didn't feel, when I was working at a daycare, that I was raising other people's children. Yet for me, it would have felt that way if I had put my girls in full-time day care.
I know working opposite shifts isn't a choice for every family. And most day cares out there are doing a great job. I'm sorry that this phrase offends. But, just for me personally, it perfectly describes our choice.

Edited by megsmom, 17 May 2010 - 08:28 PM.


#35 Guest_JeepFreak_*

Guest_JeepFreak_*
  • Guests

Posted 18 May 2010 - 10:23 AM

Does not offend me at all......b/c daycare and sitters have helped me raise my child.....

I had to go to work when she was 5 months old...I had no choice....her dads work was doing shitty and we needed the income...and then shortly later he left.....

I hate that I had to rely on others to help me raise my child.....but you are nuts to think that if you child spends just as much time (I am talking about waking hours) at daycare/ sitter/ family members....or school.... and that they are not helping to raise your child. Daycare did most of the work potty training DD....they helped teach her proper eating habbits, manners...etc....and so did I......but they did help raise her.

They say it takes a village to raise a child....and esp if you are a single parent or parents in low paying jobs...... Its not a bad thing...esp if you are secure in your choices as to who is caring for your child.

Some people do not want others to help raise their children...and then is fine...and that is their choice...

My choice was to go to work...or stay home on welfare and raise my child....and I will be damned if I will teach my child it is ok to sit on your ass and collect money from the government b/c I didnt plan out having a child better.....sorry......

If I was in a relationship and all our basic needs were met...then I would have chosen to stay home....or only work part time when her dad was at home to watch her....... but going to work so I can have the big house, fancy car or vacations is not a priority to me..not worth having someone else raise my child so I can have the perks.....