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I'm one of THOSE women!


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#1 anon

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Posted 10 February 2011 - 11:30 PM

I've come to realize that I am the kind of women that nobody should ever let themselves become. I'm a SAHM, have been for years therefore any education or past work experience would be irrelevant. I do not know how much money dh makes, I do not know what kind of bills we have, I don't know how much water or electricity costs, I don't know where we have our insurance, I don't know what kind of life insurance we have, I don't know what exactly there is that I'm supposed to know.

I am one of those women that would be loss and clueless if GOD FORBID something happened to my husband. I am totally dependent on him. My family is miles away and even then, I could not count on them in a time of crisis.

I've recently voiced my thoughts and fears to dh and he thinks I'm over reacting "nothing is going to happen to me so it doesn't matter". I know our debts are high because he is as he says "embarrassed" to show me. We have a great relationship and he is not controlling, I'VE LET THIS HAPPEN OVER THE YEARS. I'm hoping to take some control into my life in hopes of calming some of my "what if" anxieties.

What do I do?? What do I need to know! How do I go about to not be 100% dependent on him? I'm old fashioned and I've always liked letting my man take care of me but I'm realizing now that I've done myself more harm then good. Is it better to get a low paying job at a fast food joint now or go back to school part time for years so I can eventually get a better job to support myself and kids if ever need be?? I'M LOST

#2 Jen K

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 09:35 AM

:bump for anon

#3 scrappy survivor

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 09:46 AM

IF you want to go back to work or school then do it. If not then just get informed. Make sure hubby has enough insurance that you would be supported. If you are in a lot of debt maybe go find a part time job to help reduce the debt. It does not ahve to be fast food unless that is what you want you could deliver a paper cover the lunches at schools etc there are many options. I would say however that you should get informed & also know how to pay all the bills yourself & now where everything is. Do you ahve wills & life insurance etc you need to know where the policies are.

#4 Supermel

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 09:49 AM

at the very lesat i would go over insurance with your dh. at the very least,make sure your mortgage and living costs would be covered until the kids are out of the house. That would be some peace of mind. I would go to school or get a job because you WANT to, not because of fear.

#5 cbarker78

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 09:51 AM

(((hugs))) anon.... **deep breaths** it'll be okay!

A few years back when all the bills were coming out of DH's account, I came to the same realization - I knew about some of our financials, but in the event of an extreme emergency, there was a lot I wouldn't have a clue about. As someone who thinks of herself as a "strong, modern woman" I did not like that at all!!

I told DH that he has to either (a) give me all the account numbers and passwords or (b) email me monthly statements. He thought I was off my rocker, but I stuck to my guns. When he realized I was serious (silly boy!) we finally sat down and wrote out everything - all account numbers and relevant info, and left a copy in the little safe we bought years back. Every so often we pull out the list and make updates as needed.... On that list, we included other info such as our driver's lic #'s, social insurance numbers, life insurance policy numbers & contact info, account numbers for gas & hydro, etc.... so that if the worst case scenario happened to either of us, we could access that information on a moment's notice.

We keep a shared spreadsheet on the computer, that either one of us can access, that keeps a running tally of money coming in, and money going out so at a glance, if cash is needed for something, I can tell if there will be enough to cover that need, plus upcoming payments....

Be firm with your DH that you need to have this information and you will not settle for NO!! Get him to realize that it's not the "amount" of debt that is important in this scenario, it's knowing what it is, and where it's at that is more important.

Use the "you get hit by a bus tomorrow" to try to get him to realize that this information must be common knowledge between the two of you.... you're a couple, a team, and you both need to be on board....

... and good luck!!

#6 murkywaters

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 10:06 AM

same here. I know where the important papers are but that's about it. If anything happened I'd be really stressed for a few months till I could figure out what comes out of where and when. I also have stuff that comes epost... where ever that is and whatever the password is I'm not completely sure. I figure if I fall behind in anything they'll give me a call and I can talk to them and they can help me then. *shrug*

#7 vals

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 10:30 AM

I don't think you are overreacting at all. You need to feel comfortable and prepared for any situation and should be made privy to bills, debts and banks that you have dealings with. Why not suggest getting a filing cabinet and organizing everything together that way you can see what is really there. Tell your hubby that you really want to feel like you are making a contribution by helping do the finances each month and even maybe suggest going to a financial planner so that you can better plan for your children's future? Family finances should be something that both partners are involved in IMO.

#8 lyndz

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 06:37 PM

Start getting the mail yourself, so you can open the bills and see whats going on!!

#9 LoveMyKids2

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Posted 12 February 2011 - 11:55 AM

There is no way I could ever let someone have that much control! You need to start getting involved in all of the finances in your household, regardless of who makes the money. God forbid something did happen, you would be stressing about money and payments when you should be concentrating on your well being. A positive is that you have realized this and are asking questions, it's a step in the right direction and will benefit you in the long run.

#10 JavaBean

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Posted 12 February 2011 - 12:01 PM

Have a meeting to go over everything and then from there, set up a biweekly or monthly meeting to touch base on where things are at. I agree with Jodi, if you want to work or go back to school, go for it! But don't underrate the very important job you have as a SAHM- you have a lot of value in that role and you are contributing to the finances more than you think!

#11 MLaporte

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Posted 12 February 2011 - 02:48 PM

I agree, you need to have meetings with each other to touch base on where things are at; for you to go over finances etc, and for him to include him in on things on the homefront. Don't let him downplay your feelings "I've recently voiced my thoughts and fears to dh and he thinks I'm over reacting "nothing is going to happen to me so it doesn't matter" and do not downplay the fact that you are a SAHM...WHAT WOULD HE EVER DO WITHOUT YOU?!? It goes both ways. In our household we discuss once a week where we are with finances, budget, and what needs to be taken care of in the upcoming week/month..whatever. The discussion takes all of maybe 5-10min and very informal. It might sound corny...but you are a team! Good luck!!!

#12 JeepMom

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Posted 14 February 2011 - 03:25 PM

Get a filing system and start putting everything in it, either a cabinet or file folder..separate everything...from hydro, gas, phone, cable, income tax stuff, insurance stuff, car maintenance....everything and anything...that way you dont have to know all the details of everything but you do have easy access to them if needed. And you can add more as needed when you go along.

Also get a calendar and write down when bills are due and how much they are...you can keep this in with filing cabinet with everything else or out in the open someplace you and he can see. You can also write down when policies are up for renewal...and when the paper work comes in ...you and him go over it. If you are worried about people seeing your business...then colour code things...blue for gas, red for credit card...and make a mark on the calender, that way you know something is due and you can go to the right file and pull it out a see what it is. I have a calender by my computer and I write down what bills are due when and how much...and I check them off when paid.

Make sure you are included on all the accounts...have him set them up so you can see them anytime you want to, have him go over them with you as well.

You took the first step..you realized that you havent been paying attention so now you need too. One of the biggest things is tooo.....Open the mail when it comes...just dont hand it over. Add any important dates into your calender.

I learned that both parties need to be informed as to what the bills and important things are.... one person can be responsible for making sure they get paid...but the other person should be aware of them as well...that way if one person ever gets sick or busy with something the other person can step in if needed. It also makes it easier to save money as well...you can both see that x is due in two weeks...so yes we can go out to dinner or no we cant because x.y.z are due this week..... that way no one looks like the bad guy for not letting the other person spend money.

#13 scrappy survivor

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Posted 14 February 2011 - 07:58 PM

You know it is not just a matter of if he died or not but what if he got sick?? We never thought it would happen to us & then I got sick. On my sicker days I could ahve cared less about the bills so either hubby paid them or they did not get paid. He ahd to learn how. He did not even know how to make a bill payment on line.