Jump to content


Photo

Wedding envelope etiquette


  • Please log in to reply
25 replies to this topic

#1 vals

vals

    Proud member since September 2008

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,169 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 03:43 PM

Do you have a system in place that dictates how much money you put in the envelope when you go to a wedding???

We have one in a few weeks and I'm honestly dreading it. Its at the Teutonia which means I will eat my salad and thats about it. I also have a feeling its going to be a cash bar, which is okay since I don't really drink anymore, but for my s/o to pay $5 a beer and eat a crappy meal I'm not feeling like we should be expected to put $200 in card. We did get her a really expensive bridal gift, but I don't feel like paying $400 for one persons wedding that I don't even speak to regularly.

What to do???

#2 mom2nico

mom2nico

    No turning back now

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,571 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 03:48 PM

I usually put $100 per adult (never have had to bring my son) and then adjust according to the conditions--fancy place or close friend, maybe a little more, or not fancy and CASH BAR, definitely less. If you're not that close to the person, I really wouldn't worry about offending them. At my wedding, my dad's brother gave us $20 per person ($140 total) and other family friends gave $300 or more per couple. We had it at a golf course where dinner was over $40 per plate. They really will see it all, and as long as it's not super cheap, they probably won't even notice.

#3 JeepMom

JeepMom

    aka JeepFreak

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 905 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 03:59 PM

I put what I can...most of my friends and family know I am a single mom and things can be tight.....2 years ago I did all the flowers for the wedding in leu of money...she was happy b/c all she paid for was the cost of the flowers and not the arranging of them.

#4 Rebekah

Rebekah

    Just getting started

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 389 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 04:03 PM

As a matter of choice, I do not give money for a wedding. One of the most interesting things I did hear about was donating an amount of money to some charity in honor of the wedding couple. Maybe that would be a nice gesture all the way around. :-)

#5 jenny

jenny

    Plotting a takeover

  • Forum Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,498 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 04:11 PM

I put what we can afford. A gift should NOT be expected. Your presence in sharing their special day with them is what should matter. :)

#6 Jenn1980

Jenn1980

    No turning back now

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,039 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 04:48 PM

As a matter of choice, I do not give money for a wedding. One of the most interesting things I did hear about was donating an amount of money to some charity in honor of the wedding couple. Maybe that would be a nice gesture all the way around. :-)



I really like that idea, if i were ever to get married again, which i hope not ( im happy in my marriage lol) I would want to do this.

#7 Gillian

Gillian

    Mom to beautiful little Noah

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,082 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 06:46 PM

I usually put between $100-$150. We can't afford to give $300 for a wedding gift.

#8 DivineMrsM

DivineMrsM

    Member since October 2005

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,592 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 06:59 PM

I put based on who that couple is to me. The closer they are to me, the more I strive to put. Minimum $100 though.

#9 Jill

Jill

    Plotting a takeover

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 16,944 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 07:34 PM

Usually it's at least 100$ for the couple. I have paid less than that when times were really tough..

#10 DoubleD

DoubleD

    New Kid on the Block

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 296 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 08:00 PM

I put what we can afford. A gift should NOT be expected. Your presence in sharing their special day with them is what should matter. :)

I completely 100% agree! I could have cared less if we got a single penny. If it was a choice between coming (our wedding was a few hours away) or giving a gift I would have had them come. It's not a celebration if no one joins you.

We give what we can. I usually keep it at $100 minimum and if we can do more we will. I hope that whoever invites us, invites us because they want us to share in their joy and love for each other. Not to gain monetarily.

ETA: I can't stand hearing people say "but it cost us $50 a plate". That's their choice. I didn't choose for you to spend that on my meal, and although it's nice it shouldn't be the reason why I should give a certain amount.

Edited by DoubleD, 24 May 2011 - 08:03 PM.


#11 Danielle

Danielle

    Hopelessly devoted

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,897 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 08:33 PM

Tacky as it is, we have a list of what they gave us for our wedding. When I married into a European family I was shocked to learn that this is routine. We give at least what they gave and usually more.

If they didn't come to our wedding, I give at least $100 per adult and $50 per child. A part of a wedding is for the family and community to give the couple a start, so as much as you deny it, it is traditionally about getting a little nest-egg to start out.

#12 mom2nico

mom2nico

    No turning back now

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,571 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 08:42 PM

Tacky as it is, we have a list of what they gave us for our wedding. When I married into a European family I was shocked to learn that this is routine. We give at least what they gave and usually more.

If they didn't come to our wedding, I give at least $100 per adult and $50 per child. A part of a wedding is for the family and community to give the couple a start, so as much as you deny it, it is traditionally about getting a little nest-egg to start out.


Yes we also have a list and my in-laws always want to know what people gave us to gage their gifts. They also have big opinions if people didn't give us a lot.

#13 DivineMrsM

DivineMrsM

    Member since October 2005

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,592 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 09:25 PM

We kept a list as well!!

#14 emmsmama

emmsmama

    "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,787 posts

Posted 24 May 2011 - 10:57 PM

I completely 100% agree! I could have cared less if we got a single penny. If it was a choice between coming (our wedding was a few hours away) or giving a gift I would have had them come. It's not a celebration if no one joins you.


I feel the same way as you do. I can't even recall what people gave for my wedding, though I do remember one card that had money and no name and I felt so badly that I couldn't send a thankyou because I had no clue who had given it to us. I just hoped whoever gave it to us wouldn't think we were being rude and ungrateful for not sending a thankyou :(

I always feel so torn when it comes to what to give at a wedding. I'd say the norm is $100-150 for what dh and I give and I guess that is low compared to some others, but I think it's a decent amount of money. I'd be happy just to have people share my special day with me and money in a card is just a bonus.

If people are petty enough to be upset about not getting more then they don't deserve the gift imo. I still worry about giving enough though. I will admit to sometimes giving more if I know it's going to be a super fancy expensive wedding, but it's not the guests' job to pay for the couple's wedding and a couple shouldn't expect more just because they're wedding is very expensive.

#15 PookersMom

PookersMom

    Just getting started

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 411 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 03:48 AM

We typically do $100 a person for the average wedding and about $150 a person for very close friends and immediate family.

BUT, you said cash bar....I definitely would be giving less....even though I don't drink, I would still give less as the bar is a big cost of the reception. (if it is cash bar, it should be printed on the invite otherwise it is assumed to be open bar)

#16 It'sMe

It'sMe

    Habit Forming

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 717 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 06:51 AM


I completely 100% agree! I could have cared less if we got a single penny. If it was a choice between coming (our wedding was a few hours away) or giving a gift I would have had them come. It's not a celebration if no one joins you.


I feel the same way as you do. I can't even recall what people gave for my wedding, though I do remember one card that had money and no name and I felt so badly that I couldn't send a thankyou because I had no clue who had given it to us. I just hoped whoever gave it to us wouldn't think we were being rude and ungrateful for not sending a thankyou :(

I always feel so torn when it comes to what to give at a wedding. I'd say the norm is $100-150 for what dh and I give and I guess that is low compared to some others, but I think it's a decent amount of money. I'd be happy just to have people share my special day with me and money in a card is just a bonus.

If people are petty enough to be upset about not getting more then they don't deserve the gift imo. I still worry about giving enough though. I will admit to sometimes giving more if I know it's going to be a super fancy expensive wedding, but it's not the guests' job to pay for the couple's wedding and a couple shouldn't expect more just because they're wedding is very expensive.


these are my thoughts as well and precisely why i never had a traditional wedding. i can't stand all the bs that comes along with them.

i find it VERY petty & tacky to keep lists of who gave what. gifts are supposed to be from the heart, not out of obligation or to match what they did or didn't give you at your own wedding. how very sad.

Edited by It'sMe, 25 May 2011 - 06:52 AM.


#17 DivineMrsM

DivineMrsM

    Member since October 2005

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,592 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 06:55 AM



I completely 100% agree! I could have cared less if we got a single penny. If it was a choice between coming (our wedding was a few hours away) or giving a gift I would have had them come. It's not a celebration if no one joins you.


I feel the same way as you do. I can't even recall what people gave for my wedding, though I do remember one card that had money and no name and I felt so badly that I couldn't send a thankyou because I had no clue who had given it to us. I just hoped whoever gave it to us wouldn't think we were being rude and ungrateful for not sending a thankyou :(

I always feel so torn when it comes to what to give at a wedding. I'd say the norm is $100-150 for what dh and I give and I guess that is low compared to some others, but I think it's a decent amount of money. I'd be happy just to have people share my special day with me and money in a card is just a bonus.

If people are petty enough to be upset about not getting more then they don't deserve the gift imo. I still worry about giving enough though. I will admit to sometimes giving more if I know it's going to be a super fancy expensive wedding, but it's not the guests' job to pay for the couple's wedding and a couple shouldn't expect more just because they're wedding is very expensive.


these are my thoughts as well and precisely why i never had a traditional wedding. i can't stand all the bs that comes along with them.

i find it VERY petty & tacky to keep lists of who gave what. gifts are supposed to be from the heart, not out of obligation or to match what they did or didn't give you at your own wedding. how very sad.


LOL I didn't keep a list out of trying to match what they gave. I kept a list so I can remember every last detail about that day. I have a book filled with every detail. What I spent on everything, where I bought everything from. I did my whole wedding by myself. So I wanted to remember everything about it. That list not only tells me what every person gave me, money or gift, but it reminds me of every person who thought I was important enough in their life to come to my wedding.

Nothing petty or tacky about that, IMO.

#18 Danielle

Danielle

    Hopelessly devoted

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,897 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 07:10 AM

I agree that its tacky to keep a list, but whether you like it or not it is very common. Really, it does make sense. If someone was extremely generous to us, it's only fair that we reciprocate.

#19 DoubleD

DoubleD

    New Kid on the Block

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 296 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 07:40 AM

I think traditionally people gave money to start the couple out but nowadays couples move in together before marriage and usually start their own nest eggs and all that. It's not like it used to be where the parents paid for the wedding and the couple still had a house to buy and stuff to buy to fill the house. Not to mention weddings were a bit more modest back then as well. Now it's almost a contest of who's wedding can be the most elaborate, so IMO, if you choose to throw a giant, expensive wedding, that's your choise, but don't expect guests to give more because of it.

I had 40 people at my wedding, including the wedding party and let me tell you, it was so fun! It was beautiful and quaint and a true celebration of the commitment we made. I know that's not what everyone chooses to do and that's fine, but in my own case it was what I think a wedding is for.

#20 crayons

crayons

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,391 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 08:05 AM

I agree that its tacky to keep a list, but whether you like it or not it is very common. Really, it does make sense. If someone was extremely generous to us, it's only fair that we reciprocate.


danielle, I am european too and this is what we do too. I write on the birthday cards what my kids get too. Why should I spend more money on someone who didn't even bother bringing a gift.
I just gave 300 dollars to a family wedding were we (all 6 of us) were invited. And that weekend of the wedding turned out to be very expensive (I had other bills due that day) but i knew about the wedding way in advance, so I could put money aside.
My sister goes to alot of weddings, and she says the average for a couple is 150 to 200 dollars nothing less. I think anything less would be tacky. My bff has very little money as does her mom, they bought me a beautiful gift which i still have, I can understand if you don't have alot of money but if you can afford cell phones, internet, and other stuff you can afford to give a decent amount as a wedding gift.

Edited by crayons, 25 May 2011 - 08:08 AM.


#21 Danielle

Danielle

    Hopelessly devoted

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,897 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 08:26 AM


I agree that its tacky to keep a list, but whether you like it or not it is very common. Really, it does make sense. If someone was extremely generous to us, it's only fair that we reciprocate.


danielle, I am european too and this is what we do too. I write on the birthday cards what my kids get too. Why should I spend more money on someone who didn't even bother bringing a gift.
I just gave 300 dollars to a family wedding were we (all 6 of us) were invited. And that weekend of the wedding turned out to be very expensive (I had other bills due that day) but i knew about the wedding way in advance, so I could put money aside.
My sister goes to alot of weddings, and she says the average for a couple is 150 to 200 dollars nothing less. I think anything less would be tacky. My bff has very little money as does her mom, they bought me a beautiful gift which i still have, I can understand if you don't have alot of money but if you can afford cell phones, internet, and other stuff you can afford to give a decent amount as a wedding gift.


Exactly. So to the OP> Whatever you choose to give, know that your gift may be immortalized on a list somewhere! :)

#22 mysticmom

mysticmom

    Been here since the beginning of m2m

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,808 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 09:53 AM

I know when I got married, it was very different. My family (my mom's side especially) gave expensive gifts. This is how we always did it for wedding and baby showers. Usually we go in together and get big things.

My ex's family was very different. I went to a few showers on that side and they give very small gifts. (20-30) And they are an older group. At the wedding it was the same. Larger amounts from my family and smaller amounts for his family.

His mom was upset because my aunt bought me a beautiful anniversary clock. She said I had to wait 10 years to get something like that. What was I suppose to do, give it back, lol!

Different strokes for different folks.

That is how you have to look at it. You know your relationship with the couple and what you think is enough to give them. Good Luck.

#23 vals

vals

    Proud member since September 2008

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,169 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 01:33 PM

We would usually do $200-$300 in the card, but this one is weird. I actually just found out yesturday that unless invited as a pair, the invitations did not include a guest??? I'm not calling to ask if thats really the case, but thats just odd to me. I think I'm going to go alone, stay to say my hello's, throw $80 in the card and call it a night. When did weddings become more about making money/getting gifts and less about the celebration?

#24 mysticmom

mysticmom

    Been here since the beginning of m2m

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,808 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 02:02 PM

Wow that is strange. Best of luck!

#25 crayons

crayons

    Thoroughly addicted

  • Forum Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,391 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 02:55 PM

We would usually do $200-$300 in the card, but this one is weird. I actually just found out yesturday that unless invited as a pair, the invitations did not include a guest??? I'm not calling to ask if thats really the case, but thats just odd to me. I think I'm going to go alone, stay to say my hello's, throw $80 in the card and call it a night. When did weddings become more about making money/getting gifts and less about the celebration?



I don't know if its a new trend but the wedding I went to 2 weeks ago had alot of women without their spouses. It was the weirdest thing ever, so maybe its something new.

#26 mom2nico

mom2nico

    No turning back now

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,571 posts

Posted 25 May 2011 - 04:28 PM

My friend's reply card just said "_ of 2 attending" so there was no confusion. I was so mad when one of my husband's parents' friends replied that their daughter was coming when I hadn't invited her.