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#1 anon

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Posted 13 June 2011 - 09:26 PM

We are good friends with our neighbours. Tonight DS, 5, told us that the boy next door (6 yrs) pulled down our sons pants & kissed & licked his private parts.

I did not act shocked when DS told me, and based on his mannerisms while taking to me, I believe what he has told me. He told me that it happened while playing in the basement while next door.

How do I handle this?

I talked to DH tonight, and he immediately phoned a counsellor/ psychologist we have gone to in the past for marriage issues. He wants to talk to a professional to find out how to deal with this. DS says that it has happened "a bunch of times".

I am scared of overreacting.. I'm scared that maybe an adult was involved (although he says it was just the boys).

Anyone have any suggestions? We don't plan on taking action & talking about it further with DS until we talk to a professional. And from now on, there will be no more visiting each others houses & playing inside.

I am really trying not to over react, but this issue has always scared me to death! And I'm feeling horribly guilty that I should have protected him better.

#2 Jessica H

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 08:02 AM

You are totally right to be scared, that is scary for your ds and you as parents. I think u did the right thing by calling your therapist, but I would go have a talk with the parents so they can help their child also. Good luck and hugs :)

#3 anon

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 08:06 AM

I haven't spoken to the mom yet, but I definitely plan to. DH wanted to get advice from the therapist first on how to approach this. I feel like there is a big elephant in the room though. It needs to be addressed, especially for the sake of the other boy.

#4 creative mama

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 08:25 AM

If that happened to me, I'd start by talking to my son and telling him that his private parts are not much for public display - basically a conversation that makes him aware and reinforces that his body shouldn't be touched by others and that he did the right thing by telling his parents.

Then I'd be talking with the parents of the boy - it'll definitely be a delicate conversation. But I think it's important to know if the parents know any of this is going on. I'd also be gauging their reaction to the situation - do they seem like it's no big deal (I'd be keeping my kid out of their house if they did), are they pushing the blame on your boy? Are they acting like it could never happen?

It bothers me that he said it's happened a bunch of times. It's pretty natural for kids to be interested in the human body but this seems like a little over the top. What does 'a bunch of times' mean? In what span of time?

But darling, you did NOTHING wrong. You cannot be around your kids 24 hours a day. You're doing the right thing now that you know - and that's what matters.

#5 zerodog

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 08:31 AM

Stuff like this happens for a reason; it sounds like the other little boy is experiencing some abuse at the hands of someone else, or perhaps he is watching thing on TV that he should not be seeing.
I agree that YOU did NOTHING wrong and you are very wise to seek the help of a therapist. Your son must trust you immeasurably to be able to approach you with something that he was probably told to keep secret.
The other parents should know about this, but expect a conflict to arise, and possibly the end of the friendship. To be fair, though, that's a small price to pay for the safety and emotional health of your son.
Wishing you and your son strength and courage to deal with this situation.

#6 cbarker78

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 08:48 AM

I seem to remember that being about the age where kids start to explore their own bodies, and other's.... the "what do you have under there" curiosity is a normal part of exploring... with my girls, we've talked about it often, that they are not to touch anyone, nor let anyone touch them anywhere on their body that they are not comfortable with, we've talked about why private parts are private.... while the knee-jerk reaction may be to freak out, I think this is a normal part of development.... by the sounds of it, this other kid doesn't have the understanding of boundaries that he should have....

Good Luck!!

Don't stress about it too much... the only thing you'll succeed in is making yourself sick.... just have a chat with the other parent(s)... approach it as "my son mentioned something to me that I found concerning, and felt you should be aware of this too...." this way the other parent(s) don't see this as an attack, or accusation against them....

#7 Kris

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 09:23 AM

we had a similar situation where a boy on ds's bus was putting his hands down my sons pants say it was okay becuase he was a doctor.

My fgirst thought wa sthat this ither biy had siomething haooen to him. I called the school and ds's psychologist. CAS was contacted for the other boy. I diont knwo what came out of it.

I know is is scary and leave you sick feeling but others are right you did nothing wrong and are taking the right steps to help your child. We can only protect our kids so much, Ihtought the bus was a safe place.

There is a great book geared to young kids called "The Rigth Touch" I read it to my son every few months to enforce the idea that your body is yours and no one has the right to violate that. You can get it at chapters

#8 jenny

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 09:23 AM

I agree with talking to your son and letting him know NO ONE can touch him like that. And that he did the right thing by telling you guys. I would also speak to the other parents as well. And as a precaution...document everything. You just never know what could come about. This is a tough topic to speak to someone about especially if this is happening in their home. KWIM?

You did nothing wrong. We can't watch our children 24 hours a day.

Hugs

#9 DoubleD

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 09:25 AM

That's a tough situation. I agree that this boy probably isn't just exploring the body. He obviously sees these parts as sexual so this tell me that there's something else going on. Whether that's just that he saw his mommy and daddy doing these things or it's something deeper and more inappropriate, I don't know. I think you've taken all the necessary steps thus far and the only thing I can suggest is to have that talk with your son about boundaries and body parts. I am sorry that this has happened to your son. Hopefully through your love and support and counseling he can overcome it and work past it.

#10 Kiana

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 12:03 PM

Really?!?!? Am I the only one who would be freaking out over this?? I get the calling the therapist and looking for the best way to approach this but people saying its normal for them to explore their bodies at that age.... I totally disagree that anything about this is normal.

I was sexually abused by my babysitters husband at the age of 5... as was my best friend at the time and the babysitters own son... It took a long time before I came forward with it as I was threatened. At that age I believed him... It is one of my biggest fears about having kids and having them in anyone elses care and something like this I would definitely be taking action. I get that my situation was an adult and this isnt as black and white a situation but this little boy is not simply exploring, he had to learn it somewhere. That little boy needs help right away regardless of what has him doing this.

I feel for you guys as parents not knowing what to do in the situation. I remember when I came forward to my mother that she was on the phone to the cops within minutes and they were sitting in my house taking statements an hour later. Obviously, like I said earlier, this situation is not quite that extreme but I would be taking immediate action.

#11 Leanne

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 12:10 PM

so i have been thinking about this.... i do think that you need to speak with the other parents- (along with everyone else you have called)
I speak with my dd's often about how our body is our body- noone needs to touch us- especially make us feel " uncomfortable or sad ".
I do think that kids go through a little phase where you may hear " if you show me yours i will show you mind" kind of thing. I am not saying it is ok- I don't know if i could go as far as saying there is abuse happening to this child- i do think it needs to be looked at further- absolutely. There was an incident where my 4 yr old neice walked in on her parents one night- and she saw what was going on- shortly after she was "showing" her friends what she saw.
so i would just continue to keep the lines of communtication open with your child- and maybe the friend is only allowed over at your house now with you there- or whatever you feel comfortable with. I do know for me- my child would not be allowed over there at all - i am not sure i would want the child at my home either.
good luck

#12 Mama2Gracie

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 12:13 PM

Really?!?!? Am I the only one who would be freaking out over this?? I get the calling the therapist and looking for the best way to approach this but people saying its normal for them to explore their bodies at that age.... I totally disagree that anything about this is normal.

I was sexually abused by my babysitters husband at the age of 5... as was my best friend at the time and the babysitters own son... It took a long time before I came forward with it as I was threatened. At that age I believed him... It is one of my biggest fears about having kids and having them in anyone elses care and something like this I would definitely be taking action. I get that my situation was an adult and this isnt as black and white a situation but this little boy is not simply exploring, he had to learn it somewhere. That little boy needs help right away regardless of what has him doing this.

I feel for you guys as parents not knowing what to do in the situation. I remember when I came forward to my mother that she was on the phone to the cops within minutes and they were sitting in my house taking statements an hour later. Obviously, like I said earlier, this situation is not quite that extreme but I would be taking immediate action.


agreed. the cops was my very first thought.

#13 nainai0510

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 12:34 PM

personally I would be calling the cops and CAS immediately. No waiting. I would immediately stop ALL contact with the other boy and ds and would contact the school to inform them that there was an incident and that the boys can no longer be together and to make sure the other little boy is NEVER to go to the washroom alone with a child his age or younger (always with an older child if possible).
As a survivor of child abuse I would not be taking this lightly. Everything would be done to ensure the safety of my child and others (discreetly of course to not label the offending child/parents by neighbours/other parents). You don't know what's happening in the boys home and whether there is abuse happening else where and the child is mimicking what he is experiencing (whether that is through sexual abuse, watching sexually explicit shows, etc).

Yes it is normal for exploration, but it is not normal what the child is doing. I wonder though why the police where not called first? I understand why the therapist was contacted and koodos to you for immediately seeking help for your child, but why not the police? I wouldn't even bother talking to the mother, your guaranteed she will deny anything happened and may blame your child as the instigator for the sexual touching and fondling or she may even say that she was with the boys the whole time and refuse to believe anything happened. I can't stress how important it is to call the police, CAS, and the school.

#14 terbear

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 01:20 PM

personally I would be calling the cops and CAS immediately. No waiting. I would immediately stop ALL contact with the other boy and ds and would contact the school to inform them that there was an incident and that the boys can no longer be together and to make sure the other little boy is NEVER to go to the washroom alone with a child his age or younger (always with an older child if possible).
As a survivor of child abuse I would not be taking this lightly. Everything would be done to ensure the safety of my child and others (discreetly of course to not label the offending child/parents by neighbours/other parents). You don't know what's happening in the boys home and whether there is abuse happening else where and the child is mimicking what he is experiencing (whether that is through sexual abuse, watching sexually explicit shows, etc).

Yes it is normal for exploration, but it is not normal what the child is doing. I wonder though why the police where not called first? I understand why the therapist was contacted and koodos to you for immediately seeking help for your child, but why not the police? I wouldn't even bother talking to the mother, your guaranteed she will deny anything happened and may blame your child as the instigator for the sexual touching and fondling or she may even say that she was with the boys the whole time and refuse to believe anything happened. I can't stress how important it is to call the police, CAS, and the school.


100 % this!!

I absolutely would not be talking to the parents. I would let the professionals do that. Even if it ends up being a kid exploring (i doubt it) no one should fault you for talking such immediate actions (police and CAS) in the name of protecting children.

#15 anon

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 01:23 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it. It's helping me to process things.

We started talking with our son about inappropriate touch about a year ago (4 1/2 maybe?). Around this time we noticed him becoming more aware of his body, and asking about the differences between boys & girls. I am thankful that over the last 6 months we have talked with him on several occasions about how it is wrong for anyone to touch his private parts, and that if anyone does he should let us know.

The situation yesterday started because the kids were running around & poking each other with sticks. My son came up to me, and poked me in the butt with a stick, and I told him to stop. Then the other boy came up to me and poked me. Then he purposely poked me in each of my breasts with his stick. I told him to stop and that you don't poke anyone there. The mom saw it happen, too, and she reinforced what I said. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and thought it was over.

Then suddenly, my son piped up & said, "Yeah, you can't touch anyone in their private parts. Just like when you touched me in my privates."

I didn't make a big deal when my son said this, but the boys started arguing back & forth. The other boy was denying it, so it made my son get upset & elaborate. "Yes you did! Don't lie! You pulled my pants down & you licked my Privates & kissed them."

At this point, I separated the boys & took my son aside. We ended up going inside, and I had a chance to talk with him calmly. I could tell by his description of it and his intensity that he was telling me the truth.

I think there is an element of exploration ---- I think that my son probably allowed it to happen & didn't fight it off because he is in that "exploratory" phase.

We kept things very low key last night, and when I was putting him to bed, my DH & I both told him how proud we were that he came to tell us what happened. We told him that no one was in trouble, but that those things could not happen again.

The kids really like being able to go & play in each others houses, but I just don't think that is going to happen anymore. And I want to make sure that our son doesn't feel like we are doing this to punish him, because I don't want to cause him to hide things from us.

#16 Kris

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 01:28 PM

Yes call CAS. I did when it happened to ds on the bus. I was concerned about what this other boy might have had happen to him. I sleep better at might knowing I did something even if nothing was actually going on with this boy. As far as I know the police were also contacted when I called the school.

I understand kids will explore and show each other but what this boy did is not that it is much more and really does not sit well with me. Either he saw it or had experienced it.

#17 turtle'smom

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 01:34 PM

personally I would be calling the cops and CAS immediately. No waiting. I would immediately stop ALL contact with the other boy and ds and would contact the school to inform them that there was an incident and that the boys can no longer be together and to make sure the other little boy is NEVER to go to the washroom alone with a child his age or younger (always with an older child if possible).
As a survivor of child abuse I would not be taking this lightly. Everything would be done to ensure the safety of my child and others (discreetly of course to not label the offending child/parents by neighbours/other parents). You don't know what's happening in the boys home and whether there is abuse happening else where and the child is mimicking what he is experiencing (whether that is through sexual abuse, watching sexually explicit shows, etc).

Yes it is normal for exploration, but it is not normal what the child is doing. I wonder though why the police where not called first? I understand why the therapist was contacted and koodos to you for immediately seeking help for your child, but why not the police? I wouldn't even bother talking to the mother, your guaranteed she will deny anything happened and may blame your child as the instigator for the sexual touching and fondling or she may even say that she was with the boys the whole time and refuse to believe anything happened. I can't stress how important it is to call the police, CAS, and the school.



This exactly!! It needs to be addressed immediately!!!

#18 Trea

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 03:41 PM

I honestly would be speaking to the parents first. Yes, I would freak out TOTALLY. But, I also think that the parents need to know first off. At that age I could not see calling the police. They are KIDS and neither really understands what happened. Even if the other boy is being abused, to him it is "normal". I think the parents need to be made aware so they can take steps to protect their child! I would also not allow any unsupervised contact between the 2 of them. Nor would I allow my son to go to the other house anymore. I would tell the parents this and tell them my reason. I would also come right out and ask them if they think their son has been abused! Then, I'd be talking to the child myself. If it is clear he has been abused and the parents are in denial or not seeing for some reason THEN I'd call CAS.

I agree 100% that it sounds like this boy has had this happen to him. He needs to be protected.

#19 Hunnybunches

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 03:53 PM

As much as it is alarming..you cant freak out about this.Sometimes it IS just kids experimenting...and then what can happen is you create fear all around.The other child is 6!!!!!!,he cannot understand the ramifications of his behaviours,whether they are learned,or not.Iif he is being abused sexually...then that will come out.But if its something else,then you can create two children who will end up with emotional issues.
Best bet is to talk to the parents first,and go with your gut.If you need to call cas....,then call them...police cant do anything unless theres parental abuse,or a crime being committed...the referrals going to cas anyway.
I was sexually abused a a child by an adult,and as much as things like this make me uncomfortable,I do know that kids see and hear things around them ALL the time in the media,and perhaps this is why....i dont automatically think"abuse:!!Dont jump the gun unless you are totally sure....but its good you are reinforcing the privacy thing in regards to his body

#20 nainai0510

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:03 PM

[quote name='Trea' date='14 June 2011 - 03:41 PM' timestamp='1308084102' post='1269528']
I honestly would be speaking to the parents first. Yes, I would freak out TOTALLY. But, I also think that the parents need to know first off. At that age I could not see calling the police. They are KIDS and neither really understands what happened. Even if the other boy is being abused, to him it is "normal". I think the parents need to be made aware so they can take steps to protect their child! I would also not allow any unsupervised contact between the 2 of them. Nor would I allow my son to go to the other house anymore. I would tell the parents this and tell them my reason. I would also come right out and ask them if they think their son has been abused! Then, I'd be talking to the child myself. If it is clear he has been abused and the parents are in denial or not seeing for some reason THEN I'd call CAS.

I agree 100% that it sounds like this boy has had this happen to him. He needs to be protected.
[/quote/]

Its is very clear you have never been a victim of abuse or dealt with a family/child who has been abused. The parent's will deny Everything and WILL blame the other child, not theirs. And you will never get anywhere near their child to speak with him. The parents will immediately begin to train their child on how to speak with and what to say to CAS/police when they arrive. NEVER let the "abusers" (assuming the parents/family member/friend is abusing this child) know your on to them and that you contacted the police or CAS. Not only are you putting the abused child at risk but also ds as well (through threats of and actual physical violence).

Even if it turns out to only be a "exploration" thing, at least the child/family will now be on CAS's radar and will be able to receive the help that they clearly need. NEVER take any comment about abuse lightly, seek professional assistance immediately (from CAS, police, Therapist, etc). You may be saving a child's life and innocence is the process.

#21 mom2spiritedboys

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:07 PM

I commend you on staying calm.

Exploring between children, particularly of this age is VERY common. However, some of what you are describing sounds a little beyond just "you show me yours, I'll show you mine". The police would not be appropriate as there has to be a larger age difference/power differential for it to be a police matter.
In the interests of your boy and the other boy - you really should call CAS. It would be unadvisable for you to talk to the other family until after you get some direction from CAS. Children are highly suggestible and you need to make sure that this is truly just children exploring - there needs to be some investigation into why a child that age would move to felatio (oral sex) so quickly when that is not typical for that age. Did he see something he shouldn't have or is it that someone has done this to him??
Having worked in early intervention for a number of years - the details you are describing raise a red flag as far as the neighbour child. Please call CAS and get info from their intake dept.

#22 Kris

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:48 PM

I commend you on staying calm.

Exploring between children, particularly of this age is VERY common. However, some of what you are describing sounds a little beyond just "you show me yours, I'll show you mine". The police would not be appropriate as there has to be a larger age difference/power differential for it to be a police matter.
In the interests of your boy and the other boy - you really should call CAS. It would be unadvisable for you to talk to the other family until after you get some direction from CAS. Children are highly suggestible and you need to make sure that this is truly just children exploring - there needs to be some investigation into why a child that age would move to felatio (oral sex) so quickly when that is not typical for that age. Did he see something he shouldn't have or is it that someone has done this to him??
Having worked in early intervention for a number of years - the details you are describing raise a red flag as far as the neighbour child. Please call CAS and get info from their intake dept.

I totally agree, what was explained sends alarms bells off in my head

#23 vals

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 05:41 PM

OMG I have to say bravo for you and your hubby staying so calm. I personally would have lost it and most certainly would have been tempted to go straight to the parents to discuss the matter. I get that children are curious, especially about the human body, but the type of physical contact you describe does not sound to me like the normal "show and see" type exploration you would expect from that age group.

Maybe its more innocent and the child has had access to graphic television or if he has older siblings its possible he's heard them talking, but I too would be asking myself if this child was not abused and if by staying silent and not investigating further this little boy could continue to be victimized (if that was the case).

I would certainly be having a more detailed talk about personal contact and what is NOT acceptable and would have myself contacted a therapist to ask advice about dealing with what happened.

I'm not a fan of jumping in and calling the police or CAS unless 100% it seems like its warranted because if it was something a little more innocent, that investigating can be very damaging to the family, but in a case like this, talking to someone from CAS and asking them their opinion on how to deal with the situation without blowing it out of control and also to ensure both boys are safe might be a good idea.

I can't even imagine how much your head must be spinning right now!

#24 momand2kidz

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 05:56 PM

I would be VERY upset if this happened to my child, and I admire how well you are handling this situation, because quite frankly this goes way beyond being curious IMO. I also think you owe it to the other parents to let them know what their child did. I would be furious if CAS showed up at my door, and we were "friends"and I knew nothing about this. Not to say that a call can't be made but I would hope as a concerned parent you would come to me first. This is a perfect example of why the conversations about touching and privates have to happen and why they have to continue with our children. I am sorry this happened to you and your son.

#25 mom2spiritedboys

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 06:09 PM

While I understand people suggesting you talk to the parents BEFORE calling CAS - please do not do this. You can call CAS annonymously at first and discuss the scenario as you have shared it here first. Get direction from them.
IF and this is a BIG IF - if the child IS being abused by the family or extended family or someone outside the family you are putting that child at risk and risking any credible investigation if you go to the parents at this point.
If you told me that the other child had merely touched your childs genitals and/or asked to see them then I would chalk that up to normal age appropriate exploration. Because the other child performed felatio that is outside typical/norm and for that childs sake I think it needs to be explored.
It is never easy to call CAS but this is a situation where I would implore you to call the experts and not go by the majority on M2M. If it ends up being nothing then that's fine but if that child needs to be protected from WHOMEVER then you will have helped that child. Most children if abused are abused by a family member or family friend. I am not saying its his parents but that is not for any of us to determine - that needs to be looked at by the professionals.

#26 anon

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 07:43 PM

Do you know first hand if I can call CAS anonymously?

As I stated, we are close with the family. I truly do not feel that there is any type of abuse going on within the immediate family.
However, they have extended family over at their home all the time, and I have always been leery of a couple of their family members. DH & I have always said that we don't want our son around one perticular uncle of theirs, as he just gives us bad vibes. It would not surprise me if abuse has happened within the extended family.

Because of our relationship, I feel obligated to talk to the parents first, and then take it from there. I certainly have no hesitation about doing the right thing (calling in CAS, if I suspect there truly has been abuse). But I feel that I owe it to the parents to sit down & have a frank talk with them first.
I feel that we are close enough to do this. If the issue is brushed under the table, then I will know that something isn't right, and that I need to take action.

I feel that calling CAS or the police would be jumping the gun, and that in the end I might do more harm than good. If the by has been abused (by entended family or someone else), I hope that I can be here to support them as they work to get help for him! I hate the thought of bypassing the parents, going to CAS, and then causing an unecessary rift between good neighbours/friends.

But please don't mistake this for me being soft! I definitely want to do the right thing, and I will fight tooth & nail for that little boy if it's necessary!

Thanks again for your thoughts on this. It really is helping me to get a handle on things & sort through this.

#27 Rebekah

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 07:49 PM

Stuff like this happens for a reason; it sounds like the other little boy is experiencing some abuse at the hands of someone else, or perhaps he is watching thing on TV that he should not be seeing.
I agree that YOU did NOTHING wrong and you are very wise to seek the help of a therapist. Your son must trust you immeasurably to be able to approach you with something that he was probably told to keep secret.
The other parents should know about this, but expect a conflict to arise, and possibly the end of the friendship. To be fair, though, that's a small price to pay for the safety and emotional health of your son.
Wishing you and your son strength and courage to deal with this situation.


This.
Children model what they have seen/experienced.
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Edited by Rebekah, 15 June 2011 - 10:50 AM.


#28 mom2spiritedboys

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 08:46 PM

I would quote if I could but I'm on a mobile device and can't.

Do not go to this childs school!!! This child has the right to privacy and if he is a victim of some sort of abuse he has the right to privacy. Besides, all the school could/would do if anything would be to CALL CAS!

I get that people are trying to be helpful but some of these suggestions are more harmful, damaging than good. I don't negate the intent but the result could be disastrous for this child, his family and even yours if this is not handled right.

#29 lissada

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 09:34 PM

I commend you on staying calm.

Exploring between children, particularly of this age is VERY common. However, some of what you are describing sounds a little beyond just "you show me yours, I'll show you mine". The police would not be appropriate as there has to be a larger age difference/power differential for it to be a police matter.
In the interests of your boy and the other boy - you really should call CAS. It would be unadvisable for you to talk to the other family until after you get some direction from CAS. Children are highly suggestible and you need to make sure that this is truly just children exploring - there needs to be some investigation into why a child that age would move to felatio (oral sex) so quickly when that is not typical for that age. Did he see something he shouldn't have or is it that someone has done this to him??
Having worked in early intervention for a number of years - the details you are describing raise a red flag as far as the neighbour child. Please call CAS and get info from their intake dept.



While I understand people suggesting you talk to the parents BEFORE calling CAS - please do not do this. You can call CAS annonymously at first and discuss the scenario as you have shared it here first. Get direction from them.
IF and this is a BIG IF - if the child IS being abused by the family or extended family or someone outside the family you are putting that child at risk and risking any credible investigation if you go to the parents at this point.
If you told me that the other child had merely touched your childs genitals and/or asked to see them then I would chalk that up to normal age appropriate exploration. Because the other child performed felatio that is outside typical/norm and for that childs sake I think it needs to be explored.
It is never easy to call CAS but this is a situation where I would implore you to call the experts and not go by the majority on M2M. If it ends up being nothing then that's fine but if that child needs to be protected from WHOMEVER then you will have helped that child. Most children if abused are abused by a family member or family friend. I am not saying its his parents but that is not for any of us to determine - that needs to be looked at by the professionals.



I would quote if I could but I'm on a mobile device and can't.

Do not go to this childs school!!! This child has the right to privacy and if he is a victim of some sort of abuse he has the right to privacy. Besides, all the school could/would do if anything would be to CALL CAS!

I get that people are trying to be helpful but some of these suggestions are more harmful, damaging than good. I don't negate the intent but the result could be disastrous for this child, his family and even yours if this is not handled right.


All of this is excellent advice and I thought it deserved to be seen again all in one place!!

#30 cbarker78

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 10:40 PM

Its is very clear you have never been a victim of abuse or dealt with a family/child who has been abused. The parent's will deny Everything and WILL blame the other child, not theirs. And you will never get anywhere near their child to speak with him. The parents will immediately begin to train their child on how to speak with and what to say to CAS/police when they arrive. NEVER let the "abusers" (assuming the parents/family member/friend is abusing this child) know your on to them and that you contacted the police or CAS. Not only are you putting the abused child at risk but also ds as well (through threats of and actual physical violence).

Even if it turns out to only be a "exploration" thing, at least the child/family will now be on CAS's radar and will be able to receive the help that they clearly need. NEVER take any comment about abuse lightly, seek professional assistance immediately (from CAS, police, Therapist, etc). You may be saving a child's life and innocence is the process.


Sorry - but I disagree with this.... and I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child.... I agree with the other poster that speaking to the parents would be the better course of action. Judge by their discussion whether cops & CAS should be involved.

Yes the other boy may have seen that behaviour before to be able to re-enact it - but I also remember finding my dad's "stash" of magazines when I was about 6 or 7... while we didn't understand the sexual nature of these magazines, we giggled over how ridiculous the pictures were and seemed really gross.... (LOL!) First and foremost - kids will be kids!!

#31 mom2spiritedboys

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:03 AM


Its is very clear you have never been a victim of abuse or dealt with a family/child who has been abused. The parent's will deny Everything and WILL blame the other child, not theirs. And you will never get anywhere near their child to speak with him. The parents will immediately begin to train their child on how to speak with and what to say to CAS/police when they arrive. NEVER let the "abusers" (assuming the parents/family member/friend is abusing this child) know your on to them and that you contacted the police or CAS. Not only are you putting the abused child at risk but also ds as well (through threats of and actual physical violence).

Even if it turns out to only be a "exploration" thing, at least the child/family will now be on CAS's radar and will be able to receive the help that they clearly need. NEVER take any comment about abuse lightly, seek professional assistance immediately (from CAS, police, Therapist, etc). You may be saving a child's life and innocence is the process.


Sorry - but I disagree with this.... and I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child.... I agree with the other poster that speaking to the parents would be the better course of action. Judge by their discussion whether cops & CAS should be involved.

Yes the other boy may have seen that behaviour before to be able to re-enact it - but I also remember finding my dad's "stash" of magazines when I was about 6 or 7... while we didn't understand the sexual nature of these magazines, we giggled over how ridiculous the pictures were and seemed really gross.... (LOL!) First and foremost - kids will be kids!!


None of this should be based on whether people responding have been victims of sexual abuse before.

When a child is suspected to have POSSIBLY been either exposed to innapropriate situations, information or have been abused there are certain ways that child needs to be interviewed. Children are easily confused, mislead and fed information. They are also easily scared and can clam up and refuse to speak or feel pressured to give misinformation because they feel scared, threatened or just want to get out of answering the questions. Even with skilled professionals doing the questioning things can be inconclusive in the end. That is why you don't interfere with the kid by talking to them or allowing others to talk to them about it until the right time with the right people. The questioning itself can also be traumatic for a child IF ITS NOT DONE BY THE RIGHT PEOPLE IN THE RIGHT WAY.

As for talking to the parents and gauging from their reactions - I'm not sure how this is a good idea. If the parents are responsible or have knowledge of abuse or innapropriate behaviour then they are certainly not going to admit to it. If they know nothing of what the OP is talking about they will either deny it or possibly begin grilling their child about what caused this - leading to a number of scenarios and most do not end well.

It is a very touchy subject. The other parents are likely not going to be happy no matter what the OP does at this point.

I would think at this point all that really matters is that it is sorted out whether the child who initiated this sexual contact needs some sort of counselling and whether the child has indeed been abused and that offender needs to be charged.

As for typical child behaviour - while a 6 year old might see/find that type of material - at that age their reaction would typically be to think that it is "gross" and MOST kids would not then jump into performing oral sex on another child.

The truth is this 6 year old child could even have been exposed to things by another older child and while this would not legally consititute abuse necessarily (depending on age difference and circumstances surrounding the event) the child may still need counselling to process what has happened and to ensure he does not go on to offend against other children as he gets older.

OP you can call annonymously. press *67 on your phone before you dial or go to an outside phone if it would make you feel better. The CAS number is 519-252-1171 . You don't have to give your name but I would hope that if they identify they would investigate that you would then give them the information they need - just let them know what you told us here in your first post and they will walk you through whether they should investigate. They MAY say they don't need to - THEY may tell you to talk to the parents. But until/unless CAS advised me to do that I would not!!! (and people can have whatever feelings that they want to have about CAS but the basic fact is that ALL individuals in our society are legally responsible for calling CAS should they have ANY reasonable concerns that a child could be being abused or neglected and this situation fits that bill)

#32 Trea

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:21 AM


Its is very clear you have never been a victim of abuse or dealt with a family/child who has been abused. The parent's will deny Everything and WILL blame the other child, not theirs. And you will never get anywhere near their child to speak with him. The parents will immediately begin to train their child on how to speak with and what to say to CAS/police when they arrive. NEVER let the "abusers" (assuming the parents/family member/friend is abusing this child) know your on to them and that you contacted the police or CAS. Not only are you putting the abused child at risk but also ds as well (through threats of and actual physical violence).

Even if it turns out to only be a "exploration" thing, at least the child/family will now be on CAS's radar and will be able to receive the help that they clearly need. NEVER take any comment about abuse lightly, seek professional assistance immediately (from CAS, police, Therapist, etc). You may be saving a child's life and innocence is the process.


Sorry - but I disagree with this.... and I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child.... I agree with the other poster that speaking to the parents would be the better course of action. Judge by their discussion whether cops & CAS should be involved.

Yes the other boy may have seen that behaviour before to be able to re-enact it - but I also remember finding my dad's "stash" of magazines when I was about 6 or 7... while we didn't understand the sexual nature of these magazines, we giggled over how ridiculous the pictures were and seemed really gross.... (LOL!) First and foremost - kids will be kids!!


Thank you because YES I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD!!!! and my parents didn't see it or were in denial. Luckily the person moved away. Even after my mom found out he had abused another child she didn't realize that he had done the same to me! So....This has NOTHING to do with anyone else being abused or not!

I stand behind what I said. There MAY be an explanation for this. As someone else said "maybe" he saw his parents, maybe he walked in while dad was watching porn. Who knows. I am not sure I believe that is what happened even. But, I would certainly give the parents the first chance at protecting their child! That is their job. They may "suspect" something but never have had any reason to really believe it. This would give them that reason. I do not dislike CAS, I believe they have a place but, I also believe some workers there overstep their bounds. This is why I'd first give the parents an opportunity to do their job. There is no reason to involve CAS IF the parents are willing to do what needs to be done.

If you are that close with the family then a conversation about how your 2 boys "play" together should not be a big deal. You may be afraid of ruining that relationship after if you do have to call CAS but, then again, do you really WANT to remain that close to a couple that would allow abuse to happen to their child??? Give them a chance to be parents before ripping the family apart using outside sources!

#33 terbear

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:54 AM

first.. CAS does not rip apart families..

second...OP please talk to the professionals...a little boy's safety is at stake and your only priority should be trying to ensuring that little boy has access to the correct kind of help, if needed

third.. Ask away all you need about your son and advice on that but please let the professionals, not the people on m2m, give you advice about that other little boy

#34 cbarker78

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 12:11 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it. It's helping me to process things.

We started talking with our son about inappropriate touch about a year ago (4 1/2 maybe?). Around this time we noticed him becoming more aware of his body, and asking about the differences between boys & girls. I am thankful that over the last 6 months we have talked with him on several occasions about how it is wrong for anyone to touch his private parts, and that if anyone does he should let us know.

The situation yesterday started because the kids were running around & poking each other with sticks. My son came up to me, and poked me in the butt with a stick, and I told him to stop. Then the other boy came up to me and poked me. Then he purposely poked me in each of my breasts with his stick. I told him to stop and that you don't poke anyone there. The mom saw it happen, too, and she reinforced what I said. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and thought it was over.

Then suddenly, my son piped up & said, "Yeah, you can't touch anyone in their private parts. Just like when you touched me in my privates."

I didn't make a big deal when my son said this, but the boys started arguing back & forth. The other boy was denying it, so it made my son get upset & elaborate. "Yes you did! Don't lie! You pulled my pants down & you licked my Privates & kissed them."

At this point, I separated the boys & took my son aside. We ended up going inside, and I had a chance to talk with him calmly. I could tell by his description of it and his intensity that he was telling me the truth.

I think there is an element of exploration ---- I think that my son probably allowed it to happen & didn't fight it off because he is in that "exploratory" phase.

We kept things very low key last night, and when I was putting him to bed, my DH & I both told him how proud we were that he came to tell us what happened. We told him that no one was in trouble, but that those things could not happen again.

The kids really like being able to go & play in each others houses, but I just don't think that is going to happen anymore. And I want to make sure that our son doesn't feel like we are doing this to punish him, because I don't want to cause him to hide things from us.


Thank you for this update anon :) I'm glad to hear the other mom was there and sounds like you're both on the same page. Did she hear what your son said about what her son did? I'm interested in hearing a follow up to how the talk with the parents went...

Great job keeping your cool! ;)

Best wishes for all involved!