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Am I right, or am I just being a b*itch???


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#1 joeyjoey

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 04:03 PM

When DH & I met, he was not a smoker. He had smoked in his teen years, and had quit about 5 years before we met.

(I will apologize in advance if I offend anyone who is a smoker. That is your choice, you can do what you want!)

About 5 years into being married, DH took up occasional cigar smoking. It wasn't that big a deal. But within a year, it turned into a daily thing. And I HATE it. When he comes inside from smoking for an hour (cigars take areally long time to burn out), he reeks to high heaven. Even if he takes his clothes off, his hair smells, and it smells like it's coming out his pores.

He will come inside, and then he'll sit beside me on the couch. The smell makes me want to throw up, and I feel like I'm inhaling it off his body! EVERY. SINGLE. TIME... I have to ask him, "Can you please go put on new clothes. And possibly take a shower?"

Not only will he not do it voluntarily, but he gets angry when I ask him to do it.

For the past couple of years, I have suffered with bad migraines. Especially during this time of year as the weather changes. Today I was out all morning. When I came home, he had come inside from smoking and literally the whole house smelled like stale cigar smoke. I already had a headache, and it just made it worse. It even made my stomach feel naseous. We had to go through the whole routine of me "asking" him to change his clothes and take a shower.

He says that I should ask him "nicely". Well, I think he's darn lucky to still be around! I say, I didn't date or marry a smoker, why should I have to put up with this? (To be honest, I would never have dated him if he smoked. I find it repulsive.)

When he comes to bed at night & wants some 'action', all I can smell is smoke coming out of his mouth, regardless of hwo many times he brushes his teeth. Our sex life has suffered dramatically because of it, but he doesn't really seem to care.

After today's incident, I just sat in the bedroom & cried. It just feels like a slap in the face every time he does it. It's comes off as so disrespectful to me.

I asked him today, "If you were to leave your dirty underwear on the kitchen floor every day, is it up to me to 'ask you nicely' every single day for 25 years to pick them up? Or, at some point along the line do you think it might be YOUR responsibility to think of me, & stop doing it, without me having to beg?"

I've been dealing with this for about 8 years, so I know that by now I'm waaaaay past asking him nicely. Would you just ignore this? Am I being a b*tch & making too much out of this? It bothers me so much, and his reaction about it all. The bad habit, combined with his complete lack of respect for me has built up such a bitterness inside of me that I can't even stand to look at him anymore.

Any thoughts?

#2 joeyjoey

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 04:08 PM

Just wanted to add..

He's a good looking guy, and has lost weight recently, so he's putting a lot more into his appearance.

I can't even FATHOM why he would want to walk aroudn smelling like a sewer ????

I feel like his MOTHER! "Can you please go change your clothes?" "Can you go take a shower?" Goodness, I already have a child that I have to take care of! Part of the repulsiveness comes from the fact that he's a grown man, yet he doesn't even care enough to have proper hygeine. (I know some won't think of this as a hygeine issue, but I do. If you SMELL, and it's negatively affecting others around you, then it's a hygeine issue!)

#3 Gillian

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 04:14 PM

Unfortunately tobacco is an additive substance and its difficult to just quit cold turkey. He should take your feelings into consideration, but for a smoker its all about the nicotine and giving in to that craving. My mom is a smoker and trying to quit, but shes always had the same excuse that she enjoys it so why bother. Now she is finally making that step...

He knows that it bothers you, so he is being disrespectful in the sense that he has to wait to be asked to get changed or take a shower. Instead, he should know you're going to ask and just go and do it. Cigars are the worst smelling nicotine product I have ever smelled, blech! So I can understand why you're bothered by it.

The sad part is he isn't going to quit unless he wants to. All the bickering back and forth wont make him quit, he is going to have to do it for himself.

I don't think you're being a b*tch about it, and after this many years I would lose it too. I'm not sure what the best piece of advice is since I don't live with a smoker, but he needs to be respectful of you and your home since he is the only one with that bad habit. It's not fair to you or the children.

#4 Gillian

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 04:20 PM

Pass along this info to him as well...

http://www.cancer.go.../Tobacco/cigars

#5 Kris

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 05:05 PM

blech! I feel for you. I am a smoker but even I can;t stand the smell of cigars

#6 Nian

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 05:54 PM

It all comes down to respect and taking care that you and his kids are not exposed to second hand smoke. My SO smoked before we met and once we got serious he took all the possible measures so that it doesnt bother me. I couldnt even tell he was smoking. Once I was pregnant he decided to quit and he has been smoke free for over 18 months. It is up to your husband!

#7 Jill

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 06:10 PM

I don't think you're being a b*tch, but, I do believe you guys have to sit down and really talk about this. Not in a "me against you" type of way, but really talk about your feelings on the matter. Right now I'm guessing his reaction is just to be defensive and closed off to you, because of the way you address the situation. This is your spouse, not your child. You cannot really go around bossing him around, no matter how much you think he should "get it" by now. I also think expecting him to quit simply because YOU want him to, is a little much as well. It has to be about both of you and ESPECIALLY about him.

I do feel like he is disrespecting you, but in a sense I think you are also disrespecting him. It's a difficult situation, but it's clearly causing some very big issues!! I feel you need to find common ground and communicate more effectively than this. At this rate I feel this could very easily tear you guys apart! I also feel you HAVE to find it in you to be nice about it! lol Even if you feel you can't. At least to really communicate effectively.

#8 Ginger333

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 06:34 PM

That's tough. I don't really know what to suggest. DH was a smoker while we dated and I hated every second of it. I made it a condition of our engagement that he quit, I told him flat out I wouldn't have kids with someone who smoked. (It's a personal preference, not a dis on smokers IMO.) If he were to ever pick up smoking again, he knows I'd leave. He has been smoke free for 11 years now.

In your situation, you didn't exactly set it out before marriage like I did so I don't know that I really have much in the way of advice, but for sure, for me, it'd be a HUGE problem.

I don't think you're being a b*tch - it's a real health issue, for him AND for you and your child. Second hand smoke is a huge deal, if you can smell it, it's there.

I wish I knew what to suggest ... I do not envy your situation at all. I hope you can find a way to explain it to him that he understands why it bothers you and how repulsive you find it.

#9 joeyjoey

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 06:39 PM

I actually don't even care if he quits.
Deep down, I wish that he would, but I know it's totally in his hands. I have a food addiction, so I understand how addictions go. I know it's hard, and if he doesn't want to quit, there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't care if he quits. If he decides to smoke his brains out every day, I really don't care. I just don't want a smelly house, smelly husband, and feel like I'm breathing in the crap & feeling sick because of it.

But I just am at my wits end in feeling disrespected. (This is not our only issue. He's very disrespectful to me in lots of ways. This one just bothers me the most!)

Basically, he smokes for about an hour right after our son goes to bed. Then he comes in to spend maybe an hour with me, then go to bed. All he needs to do is come in, go downstairs & put his stuff in the wash, come up & shower, then relax. He could do the whole thing in 10 minutes. But he chooses not to. And at this point, I feel like he's being extremely passive agressive about it. I have 2 options: sit and suffer through it, or say something & suffer the consequences os saying something. It doesn't matter how 'nice' I am when I say it -- I'll always be accused of being the one who's turned it into a fight.

Edited by joeyjoey, 10 March 2012 - 06:41 PM.


#10 Tired Mom

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 07:37 PM

I smoke. I like the smell of cigars. But I don't think you are being a b*tch.

If he knew when you got together that was your deal breaker I see him taking it up after the fact like false advertisement. He wasn't already hooked, he took it up inspite of how you felt about it.

I know that would really bug me!

#11 jenny

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 07:58 PM

If I remember correctly he had GBS recently...right? So he SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING ANYTHING!!! He has been given a chance to get healthy and he should use it to the fullest.

That said...

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. As an ex smoker myself of 12 years, I don't know how other people put up with me cause I obviously stunk. I didn't realize how bad it was until DH and I quit 7 years ago. Now I will say that both DH and I will NOT go to a friends house if they smoke in their house. Cause that means that we have to a) shower when we come home and b) do laundry cause the smell IS that bad.

I completely disagree with smoking but I also know how hard it is to quit.

I don't think you are being a b*tch at all, but I also see what you are saying.

#12 jenny

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 08:07 PM

Notice I said both A and B because just showering isn't enough. I could smell the clothes in the laundry.

#13 joeyjoey

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 08:39 PM

If I remember correctly he had GBS recently...right? So he SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING ANYTHING!!!



YUP.

That's a whole other can of worms.

He's been doing fabulous with the diet, but he decided (after the surgery) that he just wasn't going to give up cigars. He insists that he's fine, cause he doesn't inhale. Sigh. I don't even have the energy to argue with him about it.

I honestly don't even care if he gets sick because of it. He can do what he wants with his body. Our relationship obviously is not in a great place, nor has it been for a very long time. I know that it's completely useless to try to suggest things that would be for his own good.

I just don't think that his smoking should affect my enjoyment of my home. Or my sense of well being. And because he smokes, I am sure his sense of smell is shot, so he just doesn't get how bad it is.

For example, that when he hangs his coat in the closet, everyone else's clothes have to stink because of it. I was sitting on the couch yesterday, and I thought, "Why can I smell smoke?" I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then I saw that his iphone was beside me. I picked it up, and the plastic cover smelled like it.

It's very hard, because whenever I bring up things like this to him, he has a way of convincing me that it's my problem, and that I am the one turning it into an issue. I'm a smart woman, but the way he constantly twists things around onto me makes me question whether I am the one really causing the problem.

I appreciate the feedback. It's helped me to see that I'm not being unreasonable & I'm going to stand my ground on this. I'm thinking that I might even show him these posts, just to give myself some 'backup'.

Edited by joeyjoey, 10 March 2012 - 08:42 PM.


#14 emmsmama

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 08:42 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

I don't like the smell of smoke and when I moved out of home I never let anybody smoke in my apartments I rented or in my house when I eventually got a house. I don't like the smell of cigarettes at all, and cigars would be a lot stronger yuck. Luckily my hubby is the same as me, but I wouldn't be able to put up with it as long as you have if he did take up smoking.

I used to babysit for a family and the dad smoked, but I didn't even know for months because he always smoked outside and he must have been a fairly light smoker because I didn't smell it on him until several months after I started babysitting for the family. If it was like that with your hubby it'd be different (though the health and cost aspect of it would still bother me), but it's like he doesn't care at all about the smell bothering you. How hard is it for him to be respectful and wash up if he insists on continuing to smoke?

I don't know what I'd do if hubby started smoking, but for me it'd eventually be a deal breaker because like you I would eventually feel physically ill from the smell in my house, I'd be worried about the health effects on my children from the second-hand smoke on his clothing whenever they were around him, and I'd be totally pissed at his lack of respect.

You said there are other issues, so maybe some counselling would be a good thing to resolve a lot of the issues going on. All I know is that there is no way I could live miserable every day and being ticked at my spouse every day and not even wanting to be around them or be intimate with them :(

Edited by emmsmama, 10 March 2012 - 08:45 PM.


#15 joeyjoey

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 08:44 PM

Oh.. my ... word...

Would you believe, that as I was finishing my last post, he came in, and walked right into the bathroom & started up the shower ?????? He's in there right now!

Will wonders never cease !!!

#16 jenny

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 08:50 PM


If I remember correctly he had GBS recently...right? So he SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING ANYTHING!!!



YUP.

That's a whole other can of worms.

He's been doing fabulous with the diet, but he decided (after the surgery) that he just wasn't going to give up cigars. He insists that he's fine, cause he doesn't inhale. Sigh. I don't even have the energy to argue with him about it.

I honestly don't even care if he gets sick because of it. He can do what he wants with his body. Our relationship obviously is not in a great place, nor has it been for a very long time. I know that it's completely useless to try to suggest things that would be for his own good.

I just don't think that his smoking should affect my enjoyment of my home. Or my sense of well being. And because he smokes, I am sure his sense of smell is shot, so he just doesn't get how bad it is.

For example, that when he hangs his coat in the closet, everyone else's clothes have to stink because of it. I was sitting on the couch yesterday, and I thought, "Why can I smell smoke?" I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then I saw that his iphone was beside me. I picked it up, and the plastic cover smelled like it.

It's very hard, because whenever I bring up things like this to him, he has a way of convincing me that it's my problem, and that I am the one turning it into an issue. I'm a smart woman, but the way he constantly twists things around onto me makes me question whether I am the one really causing the problem.

I appreciate the feedback. It's helped me to see that I'm not being unreasonable & I'm going to stand my ground on this. I'm thinking that I might even show him these posts, just to give myself some 'backup'.


Continue to stand your ground. Just cause one smokes outside doesn't mean you don't bring it in on you cause you do. Heck I can even sit my vehicle at a stop light and smell the car next to me and they are smoking. And when he has an ulcer in his new belly cause of it, he'll complain then. Smoking is NOT good.

DISCLAIMER...I AM NOT I REPEAT NOT PICKING ON SMOKERS...

#17 justsamma

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 08:52 PM

meh. this is sort of dicey.
He is disrespecting you, but you are doing the same to him by not sitting down and communicating about it.
Im a smoker. my DP used to smoke as well.
We discussed how her quitting would change things and we came to a common ground.
I don't smoke in the house (never have, ew) if i come home and she complains i jump in the shower, and when we have kids around i either don't smoke at all or remove myself to smoke and then shower & change my clothes really quickly before joining them again.
This has worked well for us so far, but we had to talk about it.

#18 joeyjoey

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 09:15 PM

There is very little that we can talk about these days. If I mention that I'm feeling sad & miss him, he turns it on me.
That's a whole other story for a whole other day.

I have mentioned this to him time & time & time again. It's an ongoing fight, and one that I bring up constantly, mainly because it really aggravates my headaches.

I'm definitely not disrespecting him by not talking about it. He thinks I'm being a b*tch because I WON'T STOP talking about it.

Well, at least he showered tonight. I did thank him for it when he came back in the room. Baby steps.

#19 joeyjoey

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 09:19 PM

And when he has an ulcer in his new belly cause of it, he'll complain then. Smoking is NOT good.



Yup, but he won't be complaining to me! He can go complain his way to teh emergency room... and *I* won't be the one to drive him!

At least then he won't be stinking up my house.

#20 one_new_mom

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 10:12 PM

The smell, and the cost of this habit would bother me. Does his surgeon know he smokes?

#21 emmsmama

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 10:38 PM

There is very little that we can talk about these days. If I mention that I'm feeling sad & miss him, he turns it on me.
That's a whole other story for a whole other day.

I have mentioned this to him time & time & time again. It's an ongoing fight, and one that I bring up constantly, mainly because it really aggravates my headaches.

I'm definitely not disrespecting him by not talking about it. He thinks I'm being a b*tch because I WON'T STOP talking about it.

Well, at least he showered tonight. I did thank him for it when he came back in the room. Baby steps.


It's nice that you thanked him so he knows that you appreciate his effort this time. You don't need to feel badly like you are disrespecting him, because you are NOT. You've put up with this for YEARS and asked and pleaded and explained to him why it's a problem, and he just doesn't seem to care. Imo you are 100% in the right here. You're not even saying he has to quit, just that you don't want the smell in your house, which is a lot more compromising and patient than I would be.

I read an article recently about "gaslighting." I had never heard the term before, but apparently it comes from an old movie where a guy wants all his wife's money, but has to get her committed as crazy to be able to get the money, so he lights the gas on the stove every night and then acts like he didn't to make her think she is crazy. Anyway, the point of the article is that women are often made to feel like they are being "crazy" or unreasonable or over-emotional when they have legitimate concerns. People use comments like, "Calm down," or "You're over-reacting," or "It must be that time of the month," etc. to try to make them question whether their concerns are legitimate. When you commented earlier about how he always tries to turn things around on you, it made me think of the article I read.

It really does sound like there are lots of issues going on though. Have you two tried counselling?

ETA: I found the article.

Edited by emmsmama, 10 March 2012 - 10:40 PM.


#22 joeyjoey

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 12:16 AM

Wow, that gave me a sick feeling in my stomach that you used that term (gaslighting).

I read the same article just a while back, and it was a huge eye opener for me, sadly.

Counselling - yes. Many times over the past 13+ years. We actually went through another stint just a couple months ago, and I was beginning to think that we were in a very good place. Unfortunately, I see now that we were just in another cycle.

Counselling - things get better - then they slide back to where they were.

Unfortunately, smoking isn't the only change that's happened in our marriage. My husband has re-negged on a lot of things, to the point that I just don't know who he is anymore. We no longer share the same values & beliefs that we did when we first married.

It's very hard to be in the place that I am. My husband makes very good money, and I've been mainly a stay at home mom. My income is very little. To leave would put my son & I in financial hardship. But I struggle every day with what he is witnessing. He definitely doesn't see a man who knows how to treat a woman properly. And I am definitely not as good of a mom as I could be, due to the stress that our relationship causes.

Oh, I could go on and on. But the article you posted is bang-on. My friends & family & neighbours know me to be fun, & loving & generous. My husband sees none of this and has done a lot to convince me that I've caused the trouble in our house. A couple years ago, I was having some health problems, plus anxiety attacks because of how badly he was treating me. After lots of thought, I finally agreed to let the Dr. put my on a low dose antidepressant. I feel in a lot of ways that was the worst decision of my life, because my husband has now labelled me as 'mentally ill'. He uses this against me any time I cry or get upset. He says that I'm emotionally unstable (hell, who wouldn't be in my situation???). Even in the past few weeks I've tried again to get off the medication (it's caused a lot of weight gain). One night I made the mistake of bringing up something to him that hurt my feelings, and he just called me psychotic, and said he didn't want to be married to me if I wasn't "on my meds". It's so degrading to me, because when I am out of this house, I am well respected by my friends, my family, and by his family. (I have a FAR better relationship with every member of his family than he does. I'm quite close to his family, actually, while he doesn't really have anything to do with them)

So, for the most part I do what I can to keep the peace. But some days (like today) I feel like I'm just being pushed over the edge.

I'm sorry to ramble on and on. I know that things are not healthy here. As I type this out, things seem to become clearer & clearer. I know that my parents see it, and they wish I would leave. But I keep hoping that things will improve, and we will save my son from a lot of heartache.

Damn it. This really isn't where I wanted this thread to go. But thanks for letting me vent. It's hard to sit here by myself, night after night, trying to keep it all together.

#23 joeyjoey

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 12:26 AM

Thanks for posting that article. I just read through it again, with lots of tears. I've got lots to think about.

#24 Tired Mom

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 12:31 AM

I'm waring with myself posting this, but the side wanting to put it out there is winning...

Him calling you unstable and trying to convince you of it sounds (to my paranoid self) like he could be trying to take steps to keep everything if you split up. That you wouldn't be stable enough to raise your son, run the house, etc without his support.

Go to councilling yourself. One, they can help you work through your feelings. Two, you will have a mental health professional who can attest to your sanity, coping skills, and capability should he try and say otherwise to a court down the road.

Hugs!

#25 Mama2Gracie

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 07:27 AM

When they tell you to quit smoking at the clinic it's not just because they want a healthier you. He could be SERIOUSLY harming himself. A woman I know was told to quit smoking and she ignored it and landed herself in the hospital. Smoking and gbs don't mix period. Whats he going to do when he destroys his new stomach? Sure they can reverse the process, but he's going to gain every last lb back guarenteed.

#26 Jill

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 08:25 AM

Well you've just added a whole bunch to the story now.. :( I think you should get counseling for you, and work out your feelings and concerns. I feel the behaviors you describe ARE degrading and abusive. :( I feel very sad reading all of that.

#27 Danielle

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 08:54 AM

Ah sh*t... I was reading your early posts in this thread thinking "there is more going on here than the smoking issue." Yep.

My heart bleeds for you. Please go to counseling on your own, so you can learn to be firm and get off this roller coaster of emotions (whether that means leaving him or staying and making changes). You are right, it is a cycle of honeymoon stages, pacifying you and then going back to old ways. It won't stop until you get stronger.

As for TiredMom's comment about him setting you up to look incompetent in court, it may be true but I find it unlikely. Even if he is attempting this, it would have to be extenuating circumstances for a judge to grant custody to a busy working father rather than a long-standing stay at home mother. I wouldn't worry about that, but it is in your best interest in all aspects to make written record of any abuse if it is happening.

And as for the cigars, it doesn't sound like it's an battle that you are going to be able to win right now; and even if you could win it, at what cost? Frankly, you have bigger fish to fry sister. (((HUGS)))

(P.S. Shirley McLachlan is a fantastic counsellor for this kind of thing. Her number is 519-984-1550. Make the call and just see how it feels to talk for a moment on the phone with her before you make an appointment.)

#28 emmsmama

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 09:54 AM

I'm sorry to ramble on and on. I know that things are not healthy here. As I type this out, things seem to become clearer & clearer. I know that my parents see it, and they wish I would leave. But I keep hoping that things will improve, and we will save my son from a lot of heartache.


Especially since you have your parent's support, that hopefully will put you in a better place if/when you do leave. From everything you typed it sounds like he is emotionally abusing you and that is just as serious as physical abuse. You have said this has been going on for a long time and the thing is, your son is seeing all of it. You deserve to be happy and healthy and your son deserves to see you happy and healthy. If your parents and friends see the REAL you and will help you, that is a huge plus because you will not have to go it alone. When you said you went on antidepressants when everybody but your husband sees you as a healthy and happy person, that made me so sad :(

I'm waring with myself posting this, but the side wanting to put it out there is winning...

Him calling you unstable and trying to convince you of it sounds (to my paranoid self) like he could be trying to take steps to keep everything if you split up. That you wouldn't be stable enough to raise your son, run the house, etc without his support.

Go to councilling yourself. One, they can help you work through your feelings. Two, you will have a mental health professional who can attest to your sanity, coping skills, and capability should he try and say otherwise to a court down the road.


Great advice! I'm a paranoid person too, so I'd say to make sure you cover your bases, but if you have friends and family and a counsellor that can all attest to your health and strength as a mother, you will be much stronger if he does fight for custody later. Also, if you make a case for emotional abuse (which doesn't sound like it would be hard to do), have character witnesses on your side, and have been the primary caregiver for all these years, plus have your family saying they will help support you, all the cards are stacked in your favour. My guess though is that he won't care about giving up custody because it sounds like he's more concerned about himself than anyone else.


My heart bleeds for you. Please go to counseling on your own, so you can learn to be firm and get off this roller coaster of emotions (whether that means leaving him or staying and making changes). You are right, it is a cycle of honeymoon stages, pacifying you and then going back to old ways. It won't stop until you get stronger.


Ita. You have to start feeling strong again so you can take the steps to get healthy again (and I don't mean with meds, which have their place, but it sounds like you don't really need them). Emotional abuse can wear you down and you might need help to get back up again, though it sounds like in your posts you already know that the way he perceives you is not the true you and you see that it is just him that sees you that way, so you realizing that is a very good thing.

#29 jenny

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 10:40 AM

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds as if he isn't happy with himself and wants to blame someone else instead of taking the responsiblity to fix himself. Seems like he is playing the victim card to justify his actions. I was with someone like this and once I broke free it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I will NEVER go back to that. I do agree with seeking counselling even if just for yourself. I even worry with what you describe his actions that he is going to fall into the trap of transfer addiction which is common after GBS. That has ruined many relationships. It's good to be on the alert of this too.

Don't worry about the financial aspect of it, it will work out somehow. Seek the support of those who are upbuilding. I'm here if you ever need to chat.

#30 JeepMom

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Posted 12 March 2012 - 02:29 PM

Honestly it sounds like you need to get out....I know it would be hard financially, but seek emergency support and custody, welfare...anything...and get out... a few months of hardship are way better then years of slow mental abuse. Your kids will survive and be better for it. They will learn what it means to be strong and independent. You will also slowly become a better you, your kids will enjoy the real you and not the stressed out you.

My bf had stopped smoking when I met him...and started back up shortly after. But he had enough respect to smoke outside, never in the house, he also brushed his teeth and showered often to keep the smell down. He knows I dont like and that I wouldnt have dated him if I knew he smoked.... He never got mad at me about me "b*tching" about it. He has since started taking Champix and has stopped smoking... he and I are both happier for it.

#31 joeyjoey

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 12:21 PM

Thank you everyone for your supportive posts. As I said before, it wasn't really the way I wanted this thread to go.. but I think I needed the chance to vent.

Marriage is so much more complicated than I ever thought it would be. I do feel very drained, which in turn makes it hard to gather your wits about you & step out into the unknown.

Things have been better since I posted. He's voluntarily come in each night, put his clothes in the wash, then taken a shower. But I'm not dumb enough to think that this is going to last, and that things are all well and good now.

Just trying to take things one day at a time.